The Made in America Drinking Game 2.0

The second Labor Day Parkway music fest means an all-new edition of our guide to corporatized conviviality

It’s almost Labor Day, which for the past two years in Philadelphia has meant one thing: Closing off our version of the Avenue des Champs-Élysées for a concert festival sponsored by a beer brand owned by Belgians. Despite its name, I like to think the Made in America Festival is as much of a European tribute/imitation as the Sons of Ben.

The event’s a corporate fest in the middle of the street; it’s going to be a little lame. And it’s an inconvenience for the people who live along the Parkway. Maybe it doesn’t make the city any money and tramples the fields on the Parkway. But there is something useful here; this thing could be a annual Labor Day event that people come to Philadelphia for. It could be something that makes us look good every year.

What’s been promising about the Made in America Festival is the headliners: Last year’s (Jay-Z and Pearl Jam) and this year’s (Beyonce and Nine Inch Nails) are all generally regarded as hard-working, energetic performers. Unless they really hate their type of music — or Trent Reznor kicked their dog — people who attend should get a good show. It’s not as star-studded as USA for Africa doing “We Are the World,” — but on the plus side, no one has to hear “We Are the World.” I went both days last year. Things were generally run smoothly. I had a good time. I’d go back again.

Last year, I provided a drinking game for the Made in America Festival. And since the festival is back, I might as well reprise my role as well: I’ve selected all new beers from the brewing behemoth known as Anheuser-Busch InBev you can drink during the fest. Please drink responsibly!

Take a sip of your Bud Light Platinum if …

… you see someone wearing an Allen Iverson Sixers jersey.

… you hear some kids talking about Kendrick Lamar’s diss verse in “Control” like it’s the second coming of “Ether” instead of a good, but not-particularly-harsh, verse on a non-album single with Jay “Hip-Hop’s Least Prolific Genius” Electronica.

Trust me, you’ll be hearing about “Control” a lot this weekend, so maybe only drink every other time to be safe.

… you overhear some kid steal this excellent 2 Chainz joke from Twitter.

… someone mistakes Haim, the band, for a band fronted by the late Corey Haim.

… Imagine Dragons plays that song of theirs that’s been in the background pretty much everywhere for the last few months.

… someone reminds you that Bud Light Platinum is only eight fewer calories than Budweiser, and so really isn’t a light beer at all.

… you overhear some stupid punk kid refer to Public Enemy as “the group with the guy from Flavor of Love.”

… someone half your age tells you “I want to fuck you like an animal.”

… you see a group of drunk people doing the “Single Ladies” dance.

Take a gulp of your Bud Light Lime-a-Rita if …

… you see someone wearing a Kyle Korver Sixers jersey.

… the ticketing goes like it did the first day of last year, and you could have essentially walked in for free with a photocopied ticket.

… Kanye shows up again.

… you happen to catch the set of the guy with the delightfully spoonerized name, Mord Fustang.

… you happen to catch the set of two other guys that might have delightfully spoonerized names, Wolfgang Gartner and Porter Robinson.

… Wiz Khalifa brings out Snoop Dogg for a duet from their terrible movie they did together, Mac and Devin Go to High School.

… Queens of the Stone Age does that song that’s just a listing of a bunch of drugs in a row.

… you see some kid dressed up in a ridiculous mouse head costume like Deadmau5.

… Kanye shows up and he’s with Kim Kardashian.

… you see a group of drunk people doing the “Girls (Run the World)” dance.

Drink half your Shock Top Honeycrisp Apple Wheat if …

… you see someone wearing a Raja Bell Sixers jersey.

… if, instead of performing songs, Solange wheels out an old TV and shows clips of her performance in Bring It On: All or Nothing with Hayden Panettiere instead.

… Kendrick Lamar spends his entire set dissing other rappers — hundreds, maybe thousands of them — and makes Wiz Khalifa cry into his Shock Top Lemon Shandy.

… Kanye shows up again and he’s with Kim Kardashian and their little baby, North West!

… Miguel jumps into the crowd and delivers an atomic legdrop to a fan.

… Macklemore and Ryan Lewis dedicate “Thrift Shop” to the victims of the building collapse next to the Salvation Army. (C’mon, you know this is going to happen. Cheesy, but it’s a nice gesture.)

… Phoenix does a generally competent set you enjoy and you end up hating the French a little less afterward. Huh.

… you see a group of drunk people doing the “Bootylicious” dance.

Drink all your Budweiser Black Crown if …

… you see someone wearing an Andrew Bynum Sixers jersey.

… Beyonce brings out Jay-Z, they do “’03 Bonnie and Clyde” and oh God why didn’t they do this last year.

… Calvin Harris brings out Rihanna. Or even Ellie Goulding.

… Kanye shows up again and he’s with Kim Kardashian and their little baby North West and Bruce Jenner.

… you see a group of drunk people doing the “Bug a Boo” dance.

Finish your Margaritaville Spiked Lemonade and get another if …

… everything goes off without a hitch again. No, seriously.