The Made in America Festival Drinking Game

You might have 99 problems, but a reason to get sloshed ain't one.

It seems like just yesterday that Jay-Z booted Freeway from a photo during the announcement of the Made in America Festival. But it is now just a few days away, and I couldn’t be more excited. Where else can I get to pay $99—well, $135 now—to drink overpriced Budweiser and sit and watch some bands play? Okay, lots of places. But where can I do that and walk 10 minutes to see it? Only at this music festival honoring Jay-Z, Budweiser and America!

Seven years ago, Live 8 was held on the Parkway. This is a little different—it costs money, the acts will play for longer than three songs— but it is another big Parkway concert. Coincidentally, my first big “break” was when my stupid little blog where I whined about not having a girlfriend was written up in the Inquirer for a Live 8 Drinking Game I wrote. (I couldn’t find a copy of it of my own, but fortunately some dude took it and posted it on his own blog. Thanks!)

Seven years is well over the limit for recycling your own idea. Don’t worry! I’m not Jonah Lehrer—despite being younger than him, I somehow managed to learn the rules of journalism—and this is all new content except for one joke I repeated. (Another journalism rule I know: If you point it out, it’s a reference.)

Live 8 was a benefit concert, meant to influence the world leaders meeting at the upcoming G8 summit. (Really!) Budweiser and Jay-Z’s Made in America Festival is a strictly corporate affair, so every part of this drinking game will suggest a quality Anheuser-Busch product to imbibe. Bottoms up!

Take a sip of your Bud Light if…

… someone hands you their terrible mixtape.

… you see people having sex. (Only a sip, you know this is going to happen multiple times.)

… you meet someone there just to see Afrojack.

… you see someone with the Skrillex haircut.

… DJ Shadow brings out Bob Wood, national program director of the CHUM Group.

… while you’re walking in, you hear a Parkway resident complaining about an event on the Parkway. Waaah, waaah.

… you see someone wearing a sports jersey.

… Bruce Springsteen shows up and does a song.

Take a gulp of your Bud Select 55 if…

… Meek Mill hands you one of his mixtapes.

… you see a service animal, the only animals allowed inside.

… you see someone trying to get a banned item into the festival.

… a Notorious B.I.G. hologram performs on stage with Jay-Z. (I’m just going to keep writing this in the hopes it actually happens.)

… you see someone wearing a sports jersey, and it’s of  some player from the 1990s who was never really any good.

… with Chris Cornell pulling out, Bruce Springsteen shows up and does “Hunger Strike” with Pearl Jam. (Since the Boss has a show at probably the same time Pearl Jam will be on, this might need to be a Boss hologram.)

Drink half of your Bud Light Golden Wheat if…

… you see someone actually drinking a Bud Light Golden Wheat.

… Spacehog, still in town from their gig at Phillies 1990s night, play “In the Meantime” in between other bands’ sets.

… Meek Mill is booed for planning to move away from Philadelphia.

… you see someone trying to get a banned item into the festival, and it’s a Razor scooter.

… you see someone wearing a sports jersey, and it has their own name on it.

… Bruce Springsteen shows up and does a song with Jay-Z.

Drink all of your Natural Light if…

… if Mayor Nutter does “Rapper’s Delight.”

… Odd Future’s Earl Sweatshirt shows up.

… Meek Mill is arrested on stage for his illegal dirt bike stunt riding.

… you see someone wearing a sports jersey, and it’s a hockey sweater even though it’s summer.

… Bruce Springsteen shows up and plays a four-hour show.

Drink your entire Hurricane High Gravity Lager and get another if…

… if Mayor Nutter does “Rapper’s Delight” twice.

… Jay-Z announces he’s selling his stake in the Brooklyn Nets and switching his allegiance to the 76ers.

… Chris Cornell un-cancels, shows up and becomes relevant again.

… you end up doing Earl Sweatshirt’s American History 101 homework or whatever.

… Meek Mill gets into a shouting match with Rev. Jomo K. Johnson.

… you see someone smoking one of those “marihuana” cigarettes! At a concert!

… suddenly, the whole festival’s free and Budweiser renounces its drug-dealing ways.

… the concert’s patrons storm the Barnes Foundation, steal all the paintings and return them to Merion.

… Bruce Springsteen shows up, plays for four hours and does a song with Chris Christie.

Pour out your entire Bud Ice and consider yourself shocked if…

… everything goes off without a hitch.