WARNING: The Air Sex Championship National Tour Is Coming to Philly

Are we sure we even want to know who competes in a sex miming competition?

Photo courtesy of the Air Sex World Championships

Photo courtesy of the Air Sex World Championships

Buckle up, Philadelphia — the 2017 Air Sex Championship National Tour is gyrating its way through the city this weekend to give locals with no shot at getting laid a chance to get drunk and fake it on stage.

What’s air sex, you ask? Well, it’s just like air guitar, of course, only way more depressing.

Let’s put it this way: You actually have a better shot at becoming Pete Townshend after shredding the air guitar than you would finding a partner after miming sex moves with a nonexistent flame in a bar full of strangers.

The only rules of the self-proclaimed world’s first spart (a combination of sports and art) is that participants must always have an imaginary partner on stage during their routine and climaxes are simulated only. (Thank. God.)

If you dare, the competition kicks off at 9 p.m. on Sunday, May 7th, at Kung Fu Necktie in NoLibs. All attendees are encouraged to partake in the event — and with that in mind, here is a sampling of the expected entrants:

  • The guy who only goes to South Street to browse at Condom Kingdom.
  • The dude who comments on every picture that Philly meteorologists post on social media. Looking good, gorgeous!
  • The chick at Recess Lounge who thinks that she can shake her ass as good as Shakira.
  • The grown man who lives in his mom’s Northeast basement and commutes to work at a Bucks County business park.

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