All You Guys Shut Up About Tom Brady’s Balls Already

America's women are sick of hearing about them.

So, have you noticed that in the past week or so, there’s been a whole lot of talk about balls? (Well, a few people might have been talking snow bombs.) Everywhere you turn, some man is bringing up balls. The Atlantic wants to tell you how the New England Patriots treat their balls. Patriots quarterback Tom Brady doesn’t want anybody rubbing his balls. Patriots coach Bill Belichick says he’s handled dozens of balls. That’s too much information, man!

I turn on Saturday Night Live and they’re talking about balls. The chair of the Physics department at Boston College? Balls. Angelo Cataldi? Balls. QVC. Sal Paolantonio. Sean Hannity. The New York Post. Bill Nye the Science Guy? Balls. All the men in America: Balls, balls, balls, balls, BALLS!

Can you imagine what would happen if for an entire week, women were going around talking about nothing except for vaginas, or breasts? Men would rise up in flush-faced, this-is-too-awkward fury. They’d call us feminazis, man-haters, misandrists, bullies and mean, mean girls. But it’s balls, balls, balls 24/7 — balls and nothing but balls. Soft balls. Hard balls. Hot balls. Cold balls. Well, you know what, guys? We’re sick and tired of hearing about balls! Don’t you have any other body parts you’d like to discuss? Shoulders? Kneecaps? Prostate glands?

We get it: Balls are very important to you. You have to keep an eye on your balls. Balls can make or break you. But frankly, this is getting kind of old. Could we please move on, and talk about something else? You’re starting to sound like Cinderella and her sisters. But this isn’t any fairy tale. If y0u don’t stop being all about the balls, there won’t be any happy ending for you.

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