The 10 Stupid Internet News Stories I Keep Reading

I’m paying $460 a month for this?

The news of the world as brought to me via the Internet tends to be a roundup of humans doing seriously stupid things. And you know what? As I read through the stories that such forums as Gawker, Jezebel, and the Huffington Post see fit to dish up to me, I’m beginning to feel an inescapable sense of been there, read that.

Didn’t I just see this same story a few days ago, in some other publication? Isn’t this the third time this month I read that same damn thing? I mean, how many times are you people going to drop shit off subway platforms and then jump down onto the tracks to get them? When another one of you does that, it isn’t news. It’s just déjà vu all over again.

And for this, I’m paying $460 a month to keep every member of my nuclear family tied to the Internet at every waking moment? Think of all the fun stuff I could do with $460 a month if I weren’t giving it to Comcast and Verizon.

Which gave me an idea.

The following is a brief list of Stupid Stuff You People Keep On Doing. If you stop doing these stupid things, there won’t be any news, and the Internet will close down, and I can use my $460 a month to go to Tahiti. So hey, what do you say?

1. Stop punishing women for breastfeeding in public. Oh, no, you didn’t actually do this again, did you? At a country music concert? Oh yes you did.

2. Stop punishing people for having service dogs. T.J. Maxx, did you really? A Boston bombing survivor? With post-traumatic stress syndrome from watching her mother lose both her legs? Stupid, stupid, stupid.

3. Stop accusing five-year-olds of sexual misconduct for pulling down their pants on playgrounds. Just. Stop.

4. Stop punishing 7-year-olds for biting Pop Tarts into the shape of guns. Seven-year-olds aren’t that great at biting things into shapes anyway. Are you sure it wasn’t supposed to be a dinosaur?

5. Stop banning books. Doesn’t work. Nope.

6. For glory’s sake, stop standing up in moving vehicles. Especially double-decker buses. That are going under overpasses.

7. Stop hiking in thunderstorms. YES WE MEAN YOU.

8. Stop badly retouching photographs of Mariah Carey. And everybody else who’s famous.

9. Don’t. Grope. Employees.  Repeat: Don’t. Grope. Employees.

10. Don’t leave anthrax lying around. Not a good idea. Seriously.

Okay, then! There they are: my Top 10 tips for ending our reliance on the Internet. And here’s one more, just because:

11. Stop making lists.