The Casual Eagles Fan’s Guide to the QB Controversy

The season is weeks away. But the Eagles quarterback battle is already in full swing!

Praise the lord, football is back again.

Okay, it’s not actually back just yet. But in a year where both the Flyers and Sixers missed the playoffs and the Phillies have played .500 ball all season, we’ll take Eagles training camp as a sign of hope. Sure, they’re the Eagles, so they’ll let us down in the end. But who cares! In July, we can believe.

For the casual fan, this is a year you might actually want to pay a little attention to training camp. Hear me out: The team’s new coach, Chip Kelly, ran an innovative offense at the University of Oregon and is adapting it to the NFL. He runs a weird camp, too; Kelly blasted music at the team’s minicamps to simulate what it’s like to play with noise on the road. We can only hope he plays “Diamonds on My Neck.”

The other story out of training camp this year: There’s a quarterback controversy! No, it doesn’t matter that the season hasn’t started yet; this is sports. The Eagles have five quarterbacks on the roster; three of them will make the final cut. Literally any of them could be this season’s starter! Let’s take a look at which jersey you’ll be hoping to find on your bedroom floor this season.

G.J. Kinne

Pros: Good pedigree (dad’s a coach, he was originally a Texas recruit); threw 81 touchdowns in college; MVP of something called the “AstroTurf NFLPA Collegiate Bowl” in 2012.
Cons: Hasn’t played a down in the NFL; was on the Jets last offseason, so Mark Sanchez and Tim Tebow’s terrible arms could have rubbed off on him.
Crucial YouTube clip:

Kinne had a great TD run in the aforementioned AstroTurf NFLPA Collegiate Bowl (the ATNFLPACB, if you will). He ran track in high school!

Additional information: Kinne’s father was shot by a disgruntled parent in 2005. Kinne was told his dad died, but he fortunately survived.

Likely outcome: Gone on first cut, signs to practice squad.

Dennis Dixon

Pros: Played under Chip Kelly at Oregon his senior year; has two Super Bowl rings (with the Steelers and Ravens); won the 2010 season opener while with Pittsburgh; has a pretty cool name.
Cons: Hasn’t thrown a regular season NFL pass since 2010; has only thrown 59 NFL passes total.
Crucial YouTube clip:

Dennis Dixon did not win the Heisman that year, despite this baby’s attempt.

Additional information: He played a season of rookie ball in the Atlanta Braves organization, hitting .176. He’d fit in perfectly with the Phillies!

Likely outcome: Impresses in preseason and gets 10 billion words written about him, but is gone on the last cut. Signs with eventual Super Bowl champions as a backup.

Matt Barkley

Pros: Was expected to be a top-round pick, except he returned to school for another year and fell to the Eagles in the fourth round; won a ton of high school awards, which still sorta count when you’re 22.
Cons: Stayed at school that extra year to win the national title but did not; weak arm, according to scouts; won a ton of high school awards, which mean nothing in the NFL.
Crucial YouTube clip:

Be sure to get Larry King’s take on Matt Barkley above.

Additional info: To tell his coach he was staying at USC, Matt Barkley made him a custom Christmas ornament that read, “One more year.”

Likely outcome: He’s slated as the third stringer, but after the season spirals out of control he starts the last two games.

Nick Foles

Pros: Started seven games for the Eagles last year, throwing 6 TD passes; second-year player who could certainly improve in his second season; previously had long, luxurious locks of hair
Cons: Started seven games for the Eagles last year, winning just one; goofiness approaching Donovan McNabb levels; cut his hair, which is silly: Don’t do that until you start losing it!
Crucial YouTube clip:

Nick Foles: Not quite the fastest man in the universe.

Additional info: Foles told the media he’s not here to be a backup, adding fire to the quarterback controversy that Chip Kelly refuses to end. (Kelly will still name a starter before the Sixers hire a coach.)

Likely outcome: Backup, but after Mike Vick’s inevitable injury he becomes the starter and loses a bunch more games.

Michael Vick

Pros: Eagles’ starting QB for most of the last three seasons; multi-time Pro Bowler who has won two career playoff games.
Cons: Eagles’ starting QB for most of the last three seasons; has been pretty awful since the Eagles’ miracle comeback against the Giants; convicted felon.
Crucial YouTube clip:

What would an Eagles starting quarterback be without a terribly tacky local ad?

Additional info: A 2005 lawsuit claimed Michael Vick used the alias Ron Mexico “for the purpose of herpes testing and/or treatment.”

Likely outcome: Starts the season, gets injured in Weeks 1, 2, 4, 5 and 6 before missing the rest of the season.