If Kate Just Gave Birth, Why Do I Have Morning Sickness?

America: Cut the cord with the British royals.

It was the contraction felt around the world, or at least in the Western Hemisphere.

When the news broke that the royal water broke, that Duchess Kate was in the hospital preparing to give birth to a possible future King, England’s Womb Watch transformed into an International Labor Party. American news crews were tripping over themselves to catch a flight to London, as if they were the expectant Father. Now the network morning shows and cable news will be filled with cheeky royal family experts with thick British accents explaining to us lowly colonists what this all means.

Let me save you the agony of having to listen to this royal drivel. I can tell you what the birth of another royal means in one word — nothing. It means absolutely nothing. The Queen has privilege and no power, which is exactly what the new baby inherits.

Yet there are people in this country more excited about Kate having a baby than someone in their own family. Did we forget that America fought a bloody revolution to reject British royalty? Did we forget that this royal lineage represents one of the most ruthless and oppressive in the history of the world, a world the royal family attempted to rule?

Even England final rejected its monarchy, slowly taking all power away from the royal family until it became the impeccably dressed, dysfunctional band of tabloid fodder it is today.

The Queen, Kate, Charles, Camilla, William, Fergie, Andrew and the rest of the cast perform in the world’s most popular reality show. The only reason they exist is America’s obsession with them. We spend billions in tourism dollars to take in all things royal. So the coverage you are about to have forced down your throat is just a huge tourism video for jolly old England. William and Kate are tourist attractions, like Mickey and Minnie.

Speaking of Disney, I blame them for the unhealthy American obsession with all things British royalty. From the crib, American little girls’ heads are filled with princess fantasies. Disney should get a cut of Great Britain’s tourism dollars.

And the royal birth is just the beginning of a new cycle of manufactured fascination. We’ll hear about the royal first steps, the royal first birthday, the royal potty training… it will be endless. America’s most famous baby isn’t even American.

I just wish that when the royal couple cut the umbilical cord, Americans could finally cut the cord mother England too.