Why Aren’t Mitch and Cam Getting Married on Modern Family Right This Second?

Now that the country is on the cusp of accepting same-sex marriage, it’s time for our most popular homosexual couple to tie the knot.

I’m talking, of course, about Mitchell and Cameron, the lovable gay dads on ABC’s smash comedy, Modern Family. They’ve been living in sin for almost four seasons, and I, for one, am ready for a big old homo wedding.

So are scores of queers, btw. It has not gone unnoticed that the other two branches of Dunphys are very married—some more than once. Patriarch Jay has a hot Latina second wife, with precocious son. Daughter Claire and husband Phil have three kids.

Jay’s son, Mitch, however, has yet to change his Facebook status, even though he and Cam are arguably the healthiest couple—and best parents—on the show. In fact, Jesse Tyler Ferguson’s Mitch and Eric Stonestreet’s Cam are poster boys for gay marriage.

Mitch, while an obsessive-compulsive, passive-aggressive nutbag, makes a good living as a lawyer. Cam is a terrific stay-at-home mom, despite his penchant for high drama. Their young daughter, Lily, adopted from Vietnam as an infant, is the least likable. An unsmiling brat, she.

One of the many cool things about the boys is that they play against type. Ferguson, small and delicate, is the butch provider. Stonestreet, like his character a former college football star, is the empathic den mother. In real life, Ferguson is gay and is engaged; Stonestreet straight and single.

Afraid to alienate mainstream viewers, Modern Family producers have thus far kept Mitch and Cam virtually sexless. That’s unconscionable, given that the show is set in California, a haven for heathens. Also, gay marriage was legal there for a brief time, pre-Prop 8.

If Mitch and Cam marry, they can have a wedding night, with at least a hint of homosexual consummation. Four years of foreplay is too much for any man.

The comedic possibilities of a wedding are endless. Cam could wear one of his caftans, or a clown suit, to the ceremony. Mitch could get cold feet, literally, by accidentally getting locked in the caterer’s freezer while checking the wedding cake. Lily could swallow the rings, leading to a bathroom scene reminiscent of There’s Something about Mary.

Another thing: Why should Jay and Claire be the only Dunphys to receive wedding gifts? Imagine an episode with the boys checking out places to register. Even better, think of them working with a lesbian wedding planner wearing a plunging neckline and a toolbelt.

On the serious side, consider these plotlines: Mitch is hospitalized with a serious infection, but Cam can’t get in to see him because he is not a legal relative. When Mitch dies, Cam gets hit with staggering inheritance taxes, and Mitch’s family sues for custody of Lily. Funny stuff.

Nobody’s laughing, especially the untold number of queers who have experienced those nightmares. Same-sex marriage has reached the U.S. Supreme Court, with a ruling expected in June. Should make for a great spinoff.

Meanwhile, let freedom ring for Mitch and Cam. Modern Family, not to mention the republic, will survive their nuptials. Hell, even Republicans love the show, including Mitt Romney (remember him?). With almost 12 million viewers a week, Modern Family is dug in.

I’m ready for “Here Come the Grooms.” Aren’t you?