Hunty Games: Tammy Faymous Recaps Episode 1 of Rupaul’s Drag Race

"I seriously hope this batch of bitches can top my high expectations."

Alright, squirrel friends. This is Tammy Faymous bringing you the first of my weekly recaps of season 5 of RuPaul’s Drag Race. Now, I know that a hairy gender-bending queen like me will never grace the Drag Race runway. But hell, most of the T and shade found in bars in the Gayborhood is thrown by gay men who only put on heels and a dress at Halloween. So consider me a healthy medium between the two worlds. I will also be calling on some of my sisters from the Philadelphia drag world to contribute their opinions as the season rolls on.

I was seriously looking forward to this season’s premiere and I have to say I was a little disappointed. I loved season 4 and I seriously hope this batch of bitches can turn it around and top my high expectations. Here are my first impressions of some of the more noteworthy queens.

  • L.A. queen Detox (27), who everyone already knows from the amazing videos she’s created with Willam Belli, has gotta be a shoe-in for the Top 3.
  • Jade Jolie (25) was a Carly Rae Jepsen look-alike; her intro outfit was way too much. It looked like Lisa Frank put out a new S&M clothing line.
  • I have had some trouble walking in heels myself, so I’m gonna let Serena Chacha stumble-y entrance go by without a snarky comment. At 21, she’s the youngest of the bunch and probably won’t be around for too long. Oops, was that a snark slip?
  • Seattle’s Jinkx Monsoon (24) seems super annoying. She’s also narcoleptic and fell asleep in the middle of an interview.
  • Penny Tration is this season’s big girl (and oldest, at 39). She was voted into the competition via web vote.
  • Vivienne Pinay (26) is gorgeous. I love her fishy look.
  • I am such an Alaska (27) fan — not just for because she’s Sharon Needle’s kai kai partner, but because of her trashy style and Pennsylvania roots. I absolutely love that she came through the workroom in a trash bag dress and horse mask which, even though it was looked down upon by many of the other queens.
  • Honey Mahogany (28) is the first queen from San Fransisco and I really don’t care.
  • Ivy Winters (25) is a super-sexy boy who supposedly can make anything into a dress.
  • Linyesha Spark (24) is this season’s queen from Puerto Rico, and I love those Puerto Rican queens! She has a sickening look and I am sure she will go far.
  • The queens thought it was over at Lucky 13, but  then Coco Montrese (37) stormed in. Cue the drama between her and Alyssa, who apparently have some history. Said history wasn’t revealed this time around, but I am sure we’ll hear about it all season.

Challenge Recap: The first photo shoot was an under-water challenge where the queens had to take a glamorous photo without drowning. Serena didn’t tuck, which showed when she took a dunk in the tank. Now, I don’t tuck, but this is RuPaul’s Drag Race. Alaska got so frustrated that she gave up, which is kind of frustrating for me. Ru let her know later that for someone who has tried getting on the show so many times (every time!), giving up during challenges won’t help her win. Jinkx Monsoon also had some issues with the challenges when her contacts fell out. At the top of the pack were Vivienne Pinay, Roxxx Andrews, Lineysha Sparx and Detox, who won.

Next, Camille Grammer, one of the guest judges, met the girls in front of a Hollywood boutique. The queens got all giddy thinking they were going on a shopping spree, but their hopes were quickly squashed when Ru revealed they were going dumpster diving for material to make a Hollywood-couture creation. Lashes, heels, wigs and egos began flying all over the place as the queens fought for the best threads. Cut to the dressing room where the ladies were throwing all kinds of shade while Alaska threw around her  huge schlong.

Runway yes’s: Detox, Lineysha Sparx, Roxxx Andrews and Alaska.

Runway oh-honey-no’s: I hated Coco director’s breast horns. I agreed with everything the judge’s said about Serena Chacha. I thought Alyssa’s look was horrid. Girls better step it up in future episodes. While I agreed with the judge’s bottom 2, I thought Lineysha should have won. I thought her over-all look was more glamorous, especially considering she used wallpaper as her main fabric.

Lip-sync-off: When Penny Tration and Serena Chacha were made to lip-sync for their lives to Miley Cyrus’s “Party in the USA,” I thought the former would sweep the floor with Miss Chacha. But the opposite! Was it the song choice? Was it Serena’s split? Was it Penny not knowing the words? I don’t know, but I was super impressed with Serena. Maybe she does have a trick or two up her control top, after all.

Best sound byte: After telling Jade Jolie she was safe, the judges gave her the sound advice to, “Edit.”

My pick for Top 3 (which can change from week to week): Detox, Vivienne Pinay and Linyesha Spark.

OK, dolls, so there you have it: my first recap. Feel free to comment if you totally agree with me or if you think I should go fuck myself. Now remember, if you can’t love yourself, how in the hell are you gonna love someone else?!