Taylor Swift’s New Album Is About Love and Boys and YOLO

Taylor Swift’s new album Red dropped on Tuesday. Since I consider myself the resident Taylor Swift expert over here at the Philly Post—and because I lead an incredibly exciting life and have a weird job, sometimes—I sat down with a rocks glass and my iTunes to check out what Pennsylvania’s pop star has to offer, now that she’s all growed up.

1. “State of Grace”

What’s it about? Love. Specifically, it’s about what it’s like to fall in love quickly, without having expected to feel that way.

Advice you don’t know how you got by without till now: “Love is a ruthless game unless you play it right.”

2. “Red”

What’s it about? Love. Specifically, it’s about losing someone. Here, T-Swift talks about love in terms of colors. Loss is blue, loving him was red, doodling his name in her notebook was (probably) a glittery magenta.

Advice you don’t know how you got by without till now: There’s no specific advice here, just information that you could use to create your own color chart. Think of it as a heartbreak paint-by-numbers.

3. “Treacherous”

What’s it about? Love. Specifically, it’s about relishing the feeling you get when you fall for someone. Aw.

Advice you don’t know how you got by without till now: “Nothing safe is worth the drive.” Maybe this is why I continuously find myself in Atlantic City.

4. “I Knew You Were Trouble”

What’s it about? Love. Specifically, it’s about falling for a bad boy. *Inconspicuously rolls eyes and tilts head toward John Mayer*

Reminds you of: Taylor Swift + Skrillex

5. “All Too Well”

What’s it about? Love. Specifically, this is Taylor Swift looking back on a past relationship like an adult. She misses John Mayer or Jake Gyllenhaal or Joe Jonas or whoever the hell she’s singing about and is able to look back on the great times they had, but it hurts because she hasn’t quite gotten over him yet. Also, it’s about a scarf.

6. “22”

What’s it about? NOT LOVE, you guys. It’s about being frivolous because YOLO.

Reminds you of: What it would sound like if Taylor Swift had one too many vodka-cranberries on Thirsty Thursday, did a shot of whiskey because she can TOTALLY drink as much as you guys, and then tried to convince her friends that she could TOTALLY be Ke$ha. Except, Swift doesn’t feel comfortable getting sleazy enough to pull it off so things are still “magical” and she “dreams” instead of sleeping.

7. “I Almost Do”

What’s it about? Don’t call your ex. Don’t call your ex. Don’t call your ex. Don’t call your ex. Press send. Hang up. Have a drink. Don’t call your ex …

8. “We Are Never, Ever Getting Back Together”

Advice you don’t know how you got by without till now: Never, ever get back with your ex. Like, ever.

9. “Stay, Stay, Stay”

What’s it about? Love. Specifically, it’s about working out an argument with someone because no one else will put up with the way you act. Also, because you love each other or something.

Reminds you of: The Avett Brothers.

Number of Stays: 32

10. “The Last Time”

What’s it about? Love. Specifically, it’s about loving someone who doesn’t love you back. Friends don’t let friends do this. Shoutout to anyone who’s ever taken my phone from me at a bar.

Reminds you of: Snow Patrol, probably because it’s featuring Gary Lightbody.

Advice you don’t know how you got by without till now: Don’t love people that don’t love you back.

11. “Holy Ground”

What’s it about? Religion. Kidding. It’s about love.

12. “Sad Beautiful Tragic”

What’s it about? You know the drill by now. This one’s basically a t-shirt from Victoria’s Secret Pink, but in song form.

13. “The Lucky One”

What’s it about? NOT LOVE. It’s about how tough it is to be attractive and famous and rich like Taylor Swift.

14. “Everything Has Changed”

What’s it about? Love. Specifically, it’s about wanting to get to know someone better. Also, she really needs to stop being impressed when guys hold her door open.

Reminds you of: Taylor Swift sang on John Mayer’s “Half of My Heart,” which was about a Mayer not being able to fully love a certain someone. Wink. Nudge. Now, Swift has a song with an up-and-coming male vocalist (with an accent!). I’m already halfway through writing this screenplay. Someone call Paramount.

15. “Starlight”

What’s it about? Love. Specifically, it’s a tale about a rebellious guy that takes a girl out and says she worries too much.

Reminds you of: “Don’t Trust Me” by 3OH!3.

16. “Begin Again”

What’s it about? Love.

Advice you don’t know how you got by without till now: Get over it and start again with someone new. Or, is she subliminally suggesting I start back at the beginning of the album? Either way, I preferred the way Brian McKnight suggested it. Just sayin’.

Summary: Three glasses of whiskey and 90 minutes later, I made it through without calling any of my exes, so we’ll chalk this one up as win. Also, for a country singer, this is one hell of a pop album.