The Top 10 Reasons Rick Santorum Didn’t Do Well in College

So Rick Santorum is whining on the stump about those mean old lefty profs out in the well-known liberal bastion that is State College, PA, who sabotaged his GPA because he had, as he puts it, “out of the pale” right-wing politics. Um. Rick. Haven’t we been down this road before? The reason you didn’t do well in college has nothing to do with the profs. It has to do with the fact that you’re stupid. Stupid as in:

1.   It’s “beyond the pale,” not “out of the pale.” The Pale, as every American with three higher-ed degrees who still thinks anyone who believes Americans should go to college is a snob should know, refers to the small section of Ireland that was controlled by England in the Middle Ages. Everything beyond its demarcation—as marked off by pali, the Latin word for “stakes”—was hairy and scary and overrun by wild-eyed Gaels. Who’s home-schooling your kids?

2.   Hobbits = not a wise choice as a literary analogy. Your 2006 remark linking The Lord of the Rings and the war in Iraq pegged you as a dude who last read a book in 12th grade. (Those Left Behind ones don’t count.)

3.   You went after JFK. Even my cat knows you don’t go after JFK.

4.   Or single moms. Saying they’re “breeding more criminals” isn’t gonna win you the female vote.

5.   Neither is cutting off welfare benefits to any woman who won’t tell the government who fathered her child. Oh, the ladies, they’re sluts! They’re such sluts!

6.    The geniuses on your campaign screwed up getting you and/or your delegates on the ballots in Virginia, Illinois, Washington, D.C., and Ohio. That we know of so far. Those dad-gum rules! So complicated!

7.   Glenn Beck likes you. Need we say more?

8.   You don’t realize you can’t wear those ugly sweater vests this summer.

9.   You still can’t figure out how to fix your Google problem?

10.  Satan. Just … Satan.