Chris Christie Is a Desperate, Desperate Man

That slimy, wet sensation on your cheek is from the red herring the NJ guv slapped voters with.

In 1773, the colonists were so fed up that they dumped their tea in Boston Harbor in protest. More and more of their hard-earned money was getting sucked into the big black hole of counterproductive policies, war debts, and the general high life that the movers and shakers in Parliament helped themselves to, compliments of the working man. Sound familiar?

Maybe dumping the tea seemed futile and childish at the time, sort of like setting up a tent city in front of City Hall, but radical statements made in simple ways can be powerful. The tea protest is in every American history book, was eventually called the “Boston Tea Party,” and everyone loves a party, especially politicians.

In 2012, we’re still taxed (and taxed, and taxed), supposedly with representation, but it’s hard to tell anymore. Our wanna-be leaders are eagerly up in our grills right now because this is when every vote counts. It’s our duty as conscientious patriots to try and digest it all and be informed voters, but as weary human beings, we know the drill: They get elected and big business calls in all of its markers; we may as well be colonists on another continent when we wake up on November 7th.

Even in the best of times, there’s a disconnect between American government and its citizens, but these are not the best of times, and the chasm between us and our bloated, impotent government is historically gaping. Can you imagine the impact if the people campaigning to be our leaders actually listened to us, rather than to the sound of their own voices grabbing the next sensationalistic sound bite? Talk about radical.

We don’t have to look far to find someone who needs to shut the front door. Clearly, Chris Christie has been entrusted by his party with the very important task of releasing the red herrings. Here we go again with gay marriage. The outcome of his proposal to put same-sex marriage to a referendum vote is immaterial to him. If it actually makes it to a referendum, which is a long shot, or if it passes through New Jersey’s state legislature, as it should because proposing legislation is precisely what the legislature is elected to do, and he vetoes it, it’s win/win for him.

Every possible outcome gift wraps opportunities for him to pontificate about marriage and family values in the national press. Not only will his conservative brethren in the Midwest associate New Jersey with more than Snooki when they see Christie’s name on the Republican nominee’s ticket, but whatever time he spends giving a homily about the sanctity of marriage, is less time exerted on our lost jobs, lost houses, expensive healthcare, failing schools, and the stress many Americans face when they sit down with their bills.

Only hacks and media whores pander to the extreme ends of both parties; Christie is both or he wouldn’t have pulled this stunt so close to the meaty part of the campaign. If he’s so confident about all of the fiscal good that he’s done for New Jersey, than that’s all he needs to talk about, but he isn’t, or he wouldn’t be trying so hard to get off track with his divisive rabble rousing.

The Pew Research Center reported that American support for same-sex marriage was slowly on the rise in 2011, while our faith in government was swiftly on the decline. Who owns the rights to the manmade institution of marriage anyway? The Catholic Church? Republicans? Democrats? The Tea Party? We couldn’t come up with a more unfit grab bag of pedophiles, perverts, cheaters and bigots if we trawled a prison. Like we should really leave it up to that crowd to legally define love, commitment and family, especially the modern Tea Party who say they want less government, as long as it’s administering their brand of morality.

No one wants to curl up with back issues of People and a box set of ’70s hits more than I do these days, but I’m trying to stay alert and engaged. We’re are justifiably anxious and expectant. The momentum of our collective disgust feels powerful; if we squander that and buy into the rote list of campaign diversions, we’ll get what we deserve.