“Bizarro Andy Reid” Explains Everything

A frustrated Eagles fans fantasizes his way to a reason for Eagles suckiness. (Hint: Blame Rich Kotite.)

For years, Rich Kotite had plotted his revenge against Philadelphia as a whole and Jeff Lurie in particular. After all, Kotite coached the 1991 Eagles to a 10-win season with no quarterback; the next year, he led them to 11 wins and a playoff victory. He was a coach on the rise. But when Jeffrey Lurie took over as owner in 1994, Kotite was unceremoniously fired, much to the delight of bloodthirsty Eagles fans.

“It doesn’t make sense!” screamed Kotite to himself, alone in the cold stone castle he called home. “Buddy Ryan punches a coordinator, and he’s a hero, and I win games with Brad Goebel at QB and I’m a punk? Is that how insanely irrational Eagles fans are? Well then, two can play that game.”

Kotite bided his time, waiting for just the right moment to pounce. Early in 2011, he found it. The Eagles were coming off of a 10-6 season, and hopes were higher than they’d been since the early 2000s.

Andy Reid never knew what hit him. He was walking out of the NovaCare Complex when suddenly a burlap sack was placed over him, and the distinct smell of chloroform wafted into his nostrils. Everything went black, and when he woke up, he was in a dungeon cell, wearing an iron mask.

“I don’t know why I left work by myself today,” he mumbled to himself. “I should have put myself in a better position to not be kidnapped.” He cleared his throat. “I take responsibility for this kidnapping.”

A huge Nicolas Cage fan, Kotite had been inspired by Face/Off. He planned a dastardly, devious way to exact revenge on both Jeffrey Lurie and the fans of Philadelphia. Was it crazy? Of course it was. But aren’t all of the best plans a touch insane?

His plastic surgeon had been aghast at Kotite’s “Bizarro Andy” plan, but the coach told the surgeon if he refused he would start a rumor that he was Carrot Top’s plastic surgeon. Knowing that such a rumor would destroy his career, the surgeon relented. Kotite was given Andy Reid’s face. Andy was given an iron mask.

And so it was, on February 2nd, 2011, that a radically transformed Rich Kotite, aka the Bizarro Andy Reid, walked into Jeff Lurie’s office with a few ideas.

Lurie took one look at Bizarro Andy, then asked, “When did you start wearing such enormous eye glasses? And what’s up with that mesh hat?”

Taken aback but keeping his cool, Bizarro Andy mumbled, “I needed to put my eyes in a better position to see.” He cleared his throat. “Listen, Jeff, I’ve got an idea for defensive coordinator.”

“Who?” asked Lurie. “I want to make a splash with this. The Phillies just got Cliff Lee six weeks ago. We need to steal some of that thunder.”

“Oh, we’ll make a splash alright,” said Bizarro Andy, “when we hire Juan Castillo.”

Lurie’s jaw dropped. “You don’t mean our offensive line coach do you? The one who hasn’t coached defense since he coached a high school team in 1989? You can’t possibly be referring to him?”

Bizarro Andy punched Lurie’s mahogany desk. “Damnit, Jeff, don’t you see that we’ve been playing it too close to the vest for too long? Don’t you see that if we shock everyone by signing Castillo, no-one in this town is talking about Cliff Lee any more? They’ll be talking about us, Jeff. US!”

“You’re right!” said Lurie. “Let’s do it!”

Then Lurie asked, “What should we do about DeSean? He really should be getting paid more than he is. He’s one of the most electric players in the NFL. Should we throw him a bone?”

“No,” answered Bizarro Andy. “He’s paid plenty. In fact, Iet’s teach him a lesson. Why don’t we sign Steve Smith to five times as much money as we’re paying DeSean? Rub it in DeSean’s face a little bit.”

Lurie was ecstatic. “Absolutely! He’s one of the best receivers in football! How do you think we can get him out of that contract with the Panthers?”

“No, not that Steve Smith. The other one.”

Lurie’s smile evaporated. “Andy, are you ill? Why would we get the crappy Steve Smith? Not only does he stink, but isn’t he injured?”

Bizarro Andy reached out and grabbed Lurie by his collar. “Jeff, how much money did you purchase this team for?”

Lurie, frightened, stuttered out, “$195 million.”

“And what are they worth now?” bellowed Bizarro Andy.

“$1.16 billion.”

“Who has made them so valuable, who keeps them competitive year after year after year? Who wins just enough games to keep the stands packed but not enough games for the town to get complacent?”

“You do, Andy! You do!”

Bizarro Andy continued. “I also think we should get Asomugha.”

Lurie smiled. “Now you’re talking. The best shutdown man in football. We’re gonna clamp him down on the opponent’s best receiver every week. Shut them down entirely!”

“Actually, I think we’ll put Joselio Hanson on the other team’s best receiver.”

“Wait, what? But he’s … ”

“Don’t you get it, Jeff? The other teams will be expecting us to use Asomugha as a shutdown corner. We’re going to surprise them by wasting his talents!”

“What? That doesn’t even … ”

“Who’s the winningest coach in Eagles history, Jeffrey?” boomed the Bizarro Andy.

“You are, Andy.”

“So let me worry about x’s and o’s, Jeff! You just hand out the money!”

“Andy, what’s gotten into you? You’re being completely irrational.”

Bizarro Andy wasn’t listening. He was staring out the window. “I’m concerned about this McCoy character,” Kotite was thinking to himself. “He’s so damn talented that we could win despite my devious efforts to sabotage the season. I’ve got it! I’ll use him as a decoy! Take the ball completely out of his hands in the fourth quarter of games we are leading!”

“What are you thinking about?” asked Lurie, inquisitively.

“Oh, I was thinking about how we’re just fine at middle linebacker.”

“Actually, I was thinking that would be our weakness,” said Lurie. “I mean, we don’t have anybody who can play middle linebacker. Nobody at all.”

Bizarro Andy smiled. “Jeff, middle linebacker is the least important position in football. Just draft some kid in the late rounds and let the chips fall where they may.”

Andy headed for the door. When he got there, he turned around and made one last request. “Oh, and Jeff?”

Lurie looked up. Kotite/Bizarro Andy continued, “See if you can get your hands on Ronnie Brown. I’ve been tinkering with a run/pass option play I think he’d be perfect for.”