How To … Fake Your Way Through a Wine Tasting

Only Losers Spit
Spitting out wine is gross, no matter how nice the bucket. It’s also a waste of good alcohol. If you have some that you don’t want to finish, it’s better to find some jerk (wine tastings are full of them) and throw it in his/her face while shouting, “That’s for what you did to my wife!” (Or husband.)

Legs Are for Walking
Everyone at a wine tasting is going to be talking about “legs.” Legs are the runnels of wine left behind on the glass after you swirl it. The funny thing? Any liquid will do this, so it’s always safe to say something noncommittal like, “Hey, look at the legs on this one!” For politeness’s sake, after the third or fourth bottle, one should say the same thing while indicating the host’s wife and/or mistress.

Wine Lingo

 If cornered by some snooty oenophile and asked a direct question regarding the wine, use this line: “I enjoy the high fruit notes and brambly nose, but the mouthfeel and finish are a bit off, don’t you think?” This sentence means absolutely nothing, but since most wine snobs are just faking it anyway, they will immediately defer to your masterful command of the argot.