An Open Letter to HRH Prince William of Wales
Your Royal Highness:
The thrill is gone.
When your mum and dad married in 1981, I was among the 750 million watching it live on the telly. It was a true fairy tale, sir. Like Cinderella, your mum was a gorgeous young virgin arriving in a glass carriage to live happily ever after with her prince.
As we all know, sir, the marriage sucked, but the wedding was brilliant.
On Friday, however, I shall not be tuning in at 4 a.m. to watch your nuptials in Westminster Abbey. I am afraid that you and Miss Middleton must celebrate holy matrimony without me.
What is it you Brits say, sir? Stay calm and carry on.
Don’t get me wrong, sir. I love a good wedding, particularly when I am one of the brides. But in this case, to be as honest as a commoner from the colonies can be with an English Prince, all the media hubbub has not raised on me a single goose bump.
Simply put, sir, where is the mystery? There is none, unless you count the dress. (Miss Middleton’s, naturally.) And what’s a royal wedding without a little mystery?
Your mum, may she rest in peace, was virtually unknown to the world when she married your dad after a whirlwind, six-month courtship. Barely 20, she was an enchanting, waiflike blonde, and, as tradition then required, a maiden.
The fairy tale didn’t last long, of course. Once your mum figured out what an arrogant, cheating tool your dad was, the marriage became an operatic tragedy–nasty fights, endless affairs, an eating disorder or two.
Nonetheless, in terms of entertainment value, it was the House of Windsor’s finest hour, sir.
Which brings us to Miss Middleton. At 29, she is a mature, college-educated beauty. You have been involved, off and on, for eight years. You are said to be of similar temperament and tastes. As far as we know, she is not mad and you are not a tool. By all accounts, it looks to be a long, happy marriage.
Talk about a spoiler alert, sir! Where is the mystery, the intrigue, the drama?
No disrespect, sir, but it’s no wonder your wedding has failed to stir hearts on this side of the Atlantic. The latest New York Times/CBS News poll says only six percent–six percent, sir!–of Americans have been following news of the event “very closely.”
Regardless, sir, the experts predict a worldwide audience of two billion. They will watch hours of you and Miss Middleton live, on every electronic device known to man. Throughout the day, there will be nothing resembling an unexpressed thought.
Even though I won’t be watching, I wish you and Miss Middleton only the best, sir. Please do not hesitate to look up the missus and me the next time you’re in Philadelphia.