Best of the Worst Celebrity Songs
Kim Kardashian’s attempt at being a pop star (it feels funny writing that) got us thinking about the worst songs celebrities have recorded over the years. Don’t worry, we won’t subject you to Karshashian’s actual song “Jam (Turn It Up)” – because, well, that would be cruel – but the lyrics are brilliant when read aloud like Sir Ian McKellen:
Girls in the building.
Fellas in the club.
Boys spending money.
Girls looking good.
I’m on the floor, living my life,
Feeling so good, feeling so right!
Got my hands up.
Celebrate like it’s my birthday.
Five more shots of tequila.
Lucky for us, many of these stars never seem to stick with what they’re good at (or famous for). Here are 10 moments that have been frozen painfully in time; they have us thinking we can sing, too.
1. The Housewives (all of them): Their songs about being tardy for parties and classless and rich are about the most insulting tunes on the car radio (and video screens at Woody’s). The only thing worst? If Snooki decided to pick up a mic.
2. Paris Hilton: The professional socialite’s “Stars Are Blind” was so funny for so many reasons. But after listening to it in its entirety, we had the urge to pen our own ditty: “Stars Are Deaf.”
3. Tyra Banks: She may answer to just “Tyra” like that queen on last season’s RuPaul’s Drag Race, but she assaulted the senses with “Shake Ya Booty.” She also tried to make music with Kobe Bryant. Both bad choices, so she’s enrolled at Harvard now – but definitely not for music.
4. Oscar De La Hoya: We like to picture him wearing those fishnets from time to time, even if the video for “Run to Me” managed to seem a whole lot gayer. Was he in Menudo once? You tell us:
5. Joey Lawrence: Before he became a cue ball, Blossom‘s Joey “Whoa” Lawrence recorded “Nothin’ My Love Can’t Fix.” We beg to differ.
6. Jada Pinkett-Smith: It’s a good thing that her kid’s climbing the charts with that song about violent hair tendencies because mama’s moments in the metal band Wicked Wisdom looked mostly like an excuse to wear a scowl and puffy coat in public. Here’s “Something Inside of Me:”
7. Dennis Quaid: He was in a band called The Sharks. And it wasn’t nearly as good as your 14-year-old neighbor’s garage band.
8. Minnie Driver: We loved you as Stan’s hoochie mama on Will & Grace, but you obviously went to a few too many Lilith Fair shows for your own good when you recorded “Everything I’ve Got in My Pocket.” Step away the Sarah McLachlan albums, Minnie. We beg of you.
9. Russell Crowe: He had the audacity to cover Johnny Cash’s “Folsom Prison Blues” with his band Odd Foot of Grunts, thus cementing his reputation as a complete poser.
10. Anything by David Hasselhoff, whether you live in Germany or not. Here’s why: