Chris Berman, Vaughn Hebron, Derrick Gunn, Mark Sanchez, Bill Cowher…
With the sports world in a holding pattern — the Super Bowl is maddeningly many days away, and the Flyers and Sixers proceed to their all-star breaks — it is time to cleanse my system with an airing of some of my most pertinent grievances. So, without further adieu…
Why does it bother me that…these NFL pre- and post-game shows have such lame crews? I can do without almost all of the folks on the NBC show. With Bill Cowher and Dan Marino, that network has two analysts with those moronic Pittsburgh accents. Cowher: There’s Big Ben rolling out of the pocket and hitting Antonio BRON for the first down.” There’s a “W” in that name, Skippy. Pronounce your consonants, for Christ’s sake. Don’t get me started on Shannon Sharpe. And Boomer Esiason, is it possible to get a decent hair style or wear a suit and tie that doesn’t look like you’re processing a house loan for Joe Bagadonuts down the street? [SIGNUP]
Why does it bother me that…In the world of professional hockey, where adding a cutesy little “ie” or “y” at the end of every nickname — like Cartsey, or Bettsy, or Lappy — that Flyers goalie Sergei Bobrowsky is known only as “Bob?”
Why does it bother me that…Flyers’ radio play-by-play announcer Tim Saunders refers to his color analyst Chris Therien as “Bundy.” Yes, I know it’s his nickname, but it’s weird when Saunders does it. And why does it bother me that Saunders tried to “rumble-up” his voice when doing play by play when I know he’s just a meek little guy?
Why does it bother me that…Andre Iguodala continues to wear those stupid, big, black-rimmed glasses just because he thinks they’re trendy? To go trendy, you’ve got to be a star. I know Andre Iguodala. He ain’t no star. And why does it bother me that people in the media who should know better continue to call him IG-GWO-DALA when his name is pronounced IGGA-DALA? Christ, don’t you listen to the broadcasts? It’s IGGA-DALA, you stupes!
Why does it bother me that…Vaughn Hebron, on Comcast Sports Net’s “Eagles Post-Game Live” show, refers to the Eagles as “We.” No one in the media should say “We,” especially not someone who played with the Eagles for about a half an hour.
Why does it bother me that…Why does Derrick Gunn from CSN continue to think he’s a crack reporter when he hugs Eagles players on camera, refers to them as “my man,” and has the balls to make his first interview — after a disappointing season ending loss to the Green Bay Packers — Ellis Hobbs, who at that point, wasn’t even a member of the Eagles team?
Why does it bother me that…Chris Berman from ESPN continues punctuate his commentaries with mindless references from 70s songs that nobody cares about? Berman actually began a football report earlier this season by channeling Rod Stewart with this: “Wake up, Maggie, I think I’ve got something to say to you. It’s late September and you really should be back at school. Yes, you really should be back at school. And that’s the way the Indianapolis Colts must feel after…” What the hell?
Why does it bother me that…People still use the phrase “The greatest thing since sliced bread?” Aren’t there greater things these days since sliced bread? The iPhone? Four-wheel drive? Starbucks coffee? Come on, let’s get a little more creative.
Why does it bother me that…The sports media didn’t rip Chicago sports fans for burning Jay Cutler’s jersey in effigy after Cutler bailed out and the Bears lost in the NFC championship game, but when we criticized Donovan McNabb for losing FOUR NFC title games, three of them as the favorite, we were categorized as ungrateful cretins? All right, Cutler came up small in both deed and thought. But Christ, the guy did get the Bears to the title game, and it’s only his FIRST loss.
Why does it bother me that…Mark Sanchez plays this “star” thing to the hilt when he hasn’t done dick yet in the NFL. Did you see Sanchez, moments after the Jets lost in disappointing fashion to the Steelers in the AFC title game whirling around the field looking for the next guy to give him a pat on the shoulders to say “Nice game. Mark?” What a weasel. Listen, Sparky, you just lost a game, and I hate to remind you, but you failed to get your team into the end zone when you had the ball at the one-yard line. You didn’t play well enough to strut like a peacock. Shake the opposing quarterback’s hand, then put your head down and walk off the field. If people actually want to congratulate you, they’ll catch up.
Why does it bother me that…the Steelers, from a city way inferior to Philadelphia, are now going to their EIGHTH friggin’ Super Bowl (having WON six of them), and we get oo-gats here in Philly. Pisses me off.