Philly and the Single Lesbian
So I was out at Sister’s on Saturday night visiting one of my friends and favorite bartender, talking, sharing stories about what’s been going on with my life the past week – essentially catching up. I would talk to other people here and there and have passing comments for acquaintances who walked by, but nothing too in depth.
About 15 minutes into my time at the bar, a gay man walked up and sparked a conversation with me. We laughed, and I looked to Jenna the bartender and said, “Let me buy my friend here a drink.” At that, he turns to me, grabs my arm, and says, “Thank you, Sweetie! But it is so obvious that you don’t have friends but you have many, many acquaintances.”
I was jarred. Mostly because he was right.
I’m not a bah-hum-bug-type person when it comes to friends; I’m really quite social and conversational. But truly deep, core shaking connections are few and far between for me. It comes down to the belief of the danger behind it. Is it dangerous to have so many people in the world know what truly makes you tick, makes you cry, makes you huddle in a corner sometimes questioning your very existence?
Dating is beginning to show me my true “issues.” Dating is this mirror that you never really remember purchasing, but there it is, looking back at you showing you all your quirks, nuisances, and walls you have spent so much time tactically building.
I know in my heart of hearts that to ever progress with anyone that I am dating, I have to begin to give pieces of myself. I have to open myself up and begin the process of sharing what’s been written on my life’s pages. I have to let go of the fear of, well, letting go. Some relationships will work out, some will fail. And that’s okay, too. There’s no score keeping or end-of- regulation play in dating, just this never-ending line of mile markers towards personal growth.
As for being alone or lonely? Maybe I’m a bit of both, but I’m happy and I’m finding me. And, for now, that’s all I can really do.
Crystal Fox is a chef in Philly who’s dating again. Will she find love? Stay tuned.