Just Say No, Christine O’Donnell

An ode to the U.S. Senate candidate from Delaware

I am not a witch.

I am not an adulterous masturbator.

I am not a wing nut.

I am not lovin’ in the coven.

I did not go to Yale.

I did not go to Oxford.

I did not go to Princeton.

I did not go to Claremont Graduate University.

I did not stiff Fairleigh Dickinson on tuition.

I did not nominate brainy mice for scholarships.

I did not “pray away the gay” for tormented sodomites.

I did not have (much) pre-marital sex.

I did not get married.

I am you.

“… as you are he as you are me and we are all together.

See how they run like pigs from a gun, see how they fly.

I’m crying.”

You are not me, Christine O’Donnell.

You are the walrus, sitting on a cornflake, waiting for the van to come.

Goo goo g’joob.

GAIL SHISTER, TV columnist for the Inquirer for 25 years, teaches writing at Penn and is a columnist for tvnewser.com. She writes for The Philly Post on Tuesdays.