From the Bed of Big Daddy Graham

ON THE MEDICAL FRONT
When you have a bad toothache you go to the dentist and nine out of ten times you leave the dentist with no pain. A little whacked, maybe, but nothing like that insane condition you were in when you entered the office. You break your leg, you’re in agony, you go to the ER, they fix it, put you on painkillers and, again, you normally leave the hospital pain free or certainly a lot better off then you were when they carried you in.

Well, here’s the weird thing about chemo and radiation. You feel at your utmost worst when IT’S OVER. It’s so weird. And they told me this seven weeks before they even started the process, so I should have not been surprised. But I felt so semi-decent that I got a little cocky and looked at myself as the guy who wasn’t gonna be affected by all this. WRONG! I’m down to 191 pounds and now it’s becoming difficult to even get those bullshit Endures down my throat. My neck looks llke Edward James Olmos’s face, only scabbier, and it feels like it’s on fire. And I can’t stop spitting. I keep a large cup next to my bed, but when I’m out on the street, it’s a different story. The other afternoon outside Jefferson, I snuck around a column and let some serious phlegm fly and some lady yelled “Pig!” at me. Who could blame her? I’m completely exhausted 24/7. I’m tired even when I’m sleeping. [SIGNUP]

One other thing. If one more doctor says to me, “OK, on a scale of 1-10 with 10 being the worst pain you have felt, how does your neck feel today?” One through ten! CAN’T YOU NARROW THAT DOWN A BIT! How about 1-4? Wouldn’t that put a little less pressure on you to come up with the correct answer? They DO want the correct answer, right? It’s like when a pizza-counter kid asks if you want a small, medium, or large Coke. YOU DECIDE!

I swear if you read my other posts, none of them are this depressing. I’m getting a ton of emails and Facebook messages telling me to hang in there. That this is normal and soon I will be back to my old self. Well, HURRY UP!

FROM THE BED
Anyone out there ever been in a police lineup? Watching a TV show the other night with one, and I’m wondering how to they go about picking it? I and many of my friends have performed jury duty, but I don’t know anyone who’s ever been in a lineup. Hey, I got friends who look like they would rob a liquor store. Heck, I think I have opened a bag of beer nuts and ate half the bag while walking around. What’s wrong with me? Ain’t I good enough?. . . . I woke up in the middle of the night with the side of my head on the pillow. Sophia Loren is in the ocean having a conversation with Marcello Italian Guy. Who gives a crap about him? Sophia Loren is in the ocean, but the entire scene is played out with the water up to her neck. The volume is real low so I can’t hear a word she’s saying. So now, with one eye, I’m forcing myself to stay awake just to see her walk out of the water. I’m actually cursing Marcello to shuddup already and talk her out of the waves. Guess what happens? She walks out of the water in a dress! Granted, at least it was low-cut, but for damn sure it wasn’t what I was hoping for. WHO CAN I SUE?! . . . .

I have deduced something that jewelers and politicians have in common. Their entire pitch is based on the fact that “they are the honest politician, the honest jeweler,” not like all the others who are disreputable dirtbags. Doesn’t say much for their industries, does it? . . . .The city might have to close some pools again. As a SW Philly rat who grew up at Finnegan Playground’s pool, that’s really depressing. Consider this: I live in Jersey and due to a snowstorm this winter, it took me over an hour (normal 15 minute drive) to get from my house to the bridge. I might have seen three cars along the way. But you can bet your bottom dollar that the tollbooth collector was in place. Yeah, they come up with the money to pay those collectors, but a pool? For kids?

SHAMELESS PLUGS
I am performing at coffee.comedy in Sea Isle the Sunday night of Memorial Day weekend, May 30th. It’s my first show back and it’s gonna be a special night. I love this club, it’s so intimate. Make your reservations now by calling 609-263-JAVA.

WE HAVE MOVED THE DATE OF THIS SPECIAL SHOW BECAUSE OF THE FLYERS, AND DAVE SCHULTZ IS OPENING! I will be performing at SARCASM in Cherry Hill, Saturday, June 5th, at 8:30. This will be my only non-Shore appearance till September, so I would love to see you. Just go to sarcasmcomedy.com to get tickets.