Hunty Games: Three Sheets to the Win

Everything comes to an end, and here we are, hunties! Through cat fights and bitch fests to Snatch Games and Sugar Balls, we have witnessed the art of drag at it’s best on Season 5 of RuPaul’s Drag Race. Ten queens later, we are left with the top three … Roxxxy Andrews, Jinkx Monsoon and Alaska. This week’s ultimate challenge tested them all, but we will have to wait for our queen, because producers are milking the hell out of it and not announcing the winner till the end of the reunion special in two weeks.

At the top of the episode, Michelle Visage told the top three queens what they’d have to do in the ultimate challenge:

• Dance in the music video for Rupaul’s new singe, “The Beginning,” with choreography by Candis Cayne
• Appear as three different characters in a court-room scene also starring Ru and directed by Mathu Anderson
• Plead their case on the runway with help and advice from superstar law maven Gloria Allred

Here’s how shit went down:

Jinkx effing up the fan challenge.

Music Video: With choreography by Candis Cayne, the music video for “The Beginning” tested the girls’ dancing skills and their chiffon- and hair-ography. Who is this Candis Cayne, you ask? She was a staple on the NYC club scene before landing some big time gigs on Nip/Tuck and later Dirty Sexy Money, making her the first transgender actress to play a recurring transgender character in primetime television. Bitch is fierce. And those fan-working skills? Beyoncé, take notes!

Alaska stumbled during rehearsal while Jinkx and Roxxxy got the moves down. Roxxxy was superb at flipping her weave back and forth and was probably the clear front runner for this challenge.

During actual shooting, Jinkx did some scene-stealing with her deliciously ridiculous antics. Alaska managed to get through, possibly due to the fact that she chose to wear an afro wig. The judges later called this a mistake, but I think it also may have been strategy. But Roxxxy worked the hell out of each dance move and hair flip. Judges gave her the win for this part of the ultimate challenge.

Courtroom Drama: The girls had to portray three different characters in the courtroom scene: defendant, prosecutor and defense attorney. This was right up Jinkx and Alaska’s alley, but poor Roxxxy. The only thing she portrayed was ratchet, channeling her Tamar Braxton from Snatch Game. She failed to land one joke, and all of her characters were the same. Alaska and Jinkx went into it with clearly defined, strong personas that were hilarious. I also love director Mathu Anderson. His dry humor is priceless. Judges proclaimed Jinkx the winner of this part of the ultimate challenge.

Throughout the episode, Roxxxy continued to demean and manipulate Jinkxy. I think Roxxxy’s true colors really have showed these last two episodes, and the shade is bitch with a dash of C U Next Tuesday. Last week, she did post an apologetic rant on her Facebook, but in the words of Willam, “It’s too late to Rupaulogize.” She even started belittling Alaska after the court-room challenge, saying that she and Jinkx are ruining the art of drag by being comedy queens. I almost feel bad for her because I feel the community is against her as a whole. Watching at Tabu last night, the entire audience was appalled at her malicious and heartless attacks at the other girls. Sorry Roxxxy, but careers need to be sustained after the Drag Race curtain closes. And I have a feeling yours won’t.

Runway Look and Speech: Each lady looked their best. Roxxxy looked stunning in a paisley-print, sequined neon green and deep purple gown with a tear-away train. Jinkx wore a lush lilac dress, but her hair needed to be bigger. But the winner on the runway was Alaska. She looked flawless in a nude-and-white lace dress that was heavily padded. For makeup, she donned a dark smoky eye that was extremely high-fashion and forward-thinking. She never looked better. When it came to their speeches, Alaska also served the most fierceness. Jinkx and Roxxxy’s lacked passion, and they also failed to read the other contestants, which, as Ru reminded the judges, was part of the assignment. With a slightly humorous tone, Alaska reminded the judges that she never has been in the bottom two and that she overcame the obstacle of being in Sharon’s shadow. She was clear and confident, dramatically pleading a great case for herself.

Lip Sync: The queens battled it out to RuPaul’s new song “The Beginning.” Not a great choice for a lip-sync for your life, but considering the fact that the Interior Illusions Lounge is decorated with the profits from Ru’s iTunes sales, they need to shove her music down the audiences’ throats one more time. The queens worked it out, but I have to say Alaska may have had a slight edge on her competition because it was her first time. But it was really any queens song.

At the end, no winner was announced. Instead, Ru opened voting up to the audience on a million different social-media networks. Like last season, the winner will be announced during the reunion special that will be taped sometime next week and air on May 6.

Sound Byte: “More Beyonce, less Cousin It.” —Candis Cayne reading Jinkx for her sloppy fan-working skills.

Winner: Alaska or Jinkx. I think it will be Jinkx, but I want Alaska. If Alaska wins, then Jinkx would be the best choice for Miss Congeniality. Maybe a tie? So far on Facebook and Twitter, it seems that Jinkx is leading the way with online votes but Alaska is a close second. Roxxxy is trailing far, far behind.

I hope for something random. A tie, maybe? Then Team Camp will be born and Alaska and Jinkx will rule the world together with their humor, uniqueness, nerve and talent. See you at the reunion special, hunties!

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