Heterosexual Pride Day?

What would the signs say at Heterosexual Pride? (photo by ThinkStock)

A few folks in Sao Paolo, South America’s biggest city, have their minds set on celebrating Heterosexual Pride Day. Not unlike angry white folks who get peeved by things like Black History Month, or men who take exception to women’s lib, the heterosexual pride proponents want to have their say about how hard it can be – being the straight majority.

In a report by the Associated Press, the creator of the event, Carlos Apolinario, tried to explain that the idea for the celebration is not anti-gay, “but a protest against the privileges the gay community enjoys.”

That must mean it’s also “privilege” to be the victim of a brutal hate crime. Because in Brazil last year, 260 gays were murdered – up 113 percent from just five years ago, says the AP.

We decided that if the mayor kowtows to these homophobes and signs this ridiculous holiday into law, these are the things we expect to see at the parade:

A float celebrating that opposite-sex couples have the freedom to marry – predating recorded history! In fact, couples could marry on one float and then run down the street and hop on the divorce float for a quickie one of those, too. We’d call this the “Britney Goes to Vegas” experience.

Marching bands could play tunes by straight favorites from Elton John and Barry Manilow. Wait a minute…

Octomom could be a guest speaker, touting the joys of motherhood the old fashioned way: using in-vitro fertilization.

Men could dress up in feathers and sparkles and makeup – and call themselves Mummers – because they most certainly are not drag queens.

There could be a fashion show complete with mom jeans, Cosby sweaters and khaki Dockers for days.

And the streets could be crowded with hundreds and thousands of heterosexuals who have A.) managed to take the day off, B.) found babysitters, C.) finished the grocery shopping and D.) dropped the kids off at soccer practice to celebrate all the joys of, being, well, heterosexual.