Dear G Philly: Answering Reader Questions

I’ve been in a relationship for five years. For the most part, it’s been going well with a few ups and downs. I met someone a few weeks ago who is making me rethink everything. Am I with the right person? Can we love more than one person at once? My new interest is smart, funny and very attractive (and a bit younger). And while nothing has really happened sexually (we kissed) I’m thinking about talking to my boyfriend about it. A lot of our friends have open relationships. I can’t imagine breaking up over a potential fling. Is there a good way to start this conversation?

Many people are successful at having open relationships. But just as many people may find sharing their beds with others can cause an avalanche of problems. Before you even start this conversation, take some time and consider what kind of can of worms you’re opening. For instance, if you confess your dalliance, are you certain your boyfriend of five years will be forgiving? Could you risk a breakup?

Also ask yourself how important this new man on the scene is to you. Is this guy boyfriend material? Or a fling? This isn’t to say your boyfriend won’t be willing to consider all the possibilities you’re hoping for, but keep in mind that by simply bridging the conversation, you’re changing your relationship forever. Whether he agrees or not, there’s no going back once you come clean.

If you’re prepared for that, then I would preface the discussion with an affirmation of your love for him (provided you still have that). A lot of couples stay together for many reasons having nothing to do with sex. Explain that you’d like to consider exploring other possibilities sexually – with ground rules you both would need to agree upon. Those people who manage to succeed in having open relationships generally know when and how many details to share with each other. They also set plenty of rules that (hopefully) keep everyone happy and healthy.

I have a huge crush on a friend. Problem is she’s dating someone else and has been for many years. While I suspect the feeling may be mutual, I’m not sure if I should tell her how I feel. I don’t want to breakup anyone’s relationship. But I also can’t get her off my mind. Help?

What makes you suspect the feeling is mutual? Has your friend expressed any amorous feelings? Or are you grasping at straws?

There are obviously two ways you can go here. The first, keep it to yourself and hope this crush of yours goes away (they sometimes do). Your other option has two very different outcomes. If you share your feelings with her, you risk losing your friendship. Can you accept that? On the other hand, the confession may encourage her to share her feelings about you (assuming you’re right and she has feelings).

Just know that whatever you do, someone’s going to lose out or get hurt. If you hide your feelings, you’ll never know what could happen. But if you share your feelings, then you could lose your friend or your friend’s lover/partner could lose her. There’s going to be some frustration and unhappiness no matter what. Hopefully your friend will understand and respect what you have to say and you can both work this out without too many hurt feelings or disappointment.