14 Things to Eat Instead of Philly’s New $700 Burger

Drury Beer Garden’s gold-wrapped Wagyu-lobster burger should only be consumed by Dr. Evil, or maybe during the legitimate conclusion of the world.

The $700 “Gold Standard Burger” at Drury Beer Garden. Don’t stare it directly in the eyes. / Photograph by Cody Aldrich Photography

This week, Drury Beer Garden at 13th and Sansom is rebranding as “DBG,” which means there’s a new menu of 15 burgers, including a version called “The Gold Standard” that will set you back $700 but presumably doesn’t include a massage or AirPods, as the price tag may suggest.

What the burger does come with is eight ounces of Japanese A5 rib-eye Wagyu (available for direct purchase for $70, FYI) as well as aged Irish cheddar (those cheeky Irish cuties), caviar and black truffles from Italy, and hunks of lobster flambéed with Louis XIII cognac. Now, I know what you’re thinking: “Hmm, that’s not quite deluxe enough for me, Hannah.” I get it. Sleep soundly knowing the brioche bun is wrapped in gold leaf, as if the burger found itself windswept in Donald Trump’s bathroom. Plus, each order comes with fries and a one-ounce pour of the same kind of cognac that incinerated the post-mortem lobster. For context, a 750-milliliter bottle of Louis XIII cognac retails for $4,330, which means each ounce should cost somewhere in the neighborhood of $173.

In a press release, George Tsiouris, one-half of the sibling duo behind DBG, said, “Burgers are one of the most loved food items around the world. We are excited to provide our guests some amazing, creative and tasty options with our new menu concept.”

Be that as it may, in the year 2023, no burger safe for human consumption should cost $700. And I think you should invest your hard-earned money at restaurants elsewhere, perhaps at some of the places below. Here’s what you could eat with the $700 you aren’t spending on “The Gold Standard” burger.

1. The entirety of “Banquet Menu B” at China Gourmet in Northeast Philly, which serves 10 people

2. 58 turnip hoagies at Honeysuckle Provisions in West Philly

3. 87 pounds of sausage at Czerw’s Polish Kielbasa in Port Richmond

4. 46 lunch platters at Octopus Falafel’s truck in Center City

5. One scoop of cookies-and-cream ice cream and a $695 tip at Cuzzy’s in Queen Village

6. 280 tamales at Tamalex in South Philly

7. 14 months of DreamWorld Bakes’ dessert-peoples’ club membership

8. 10 river prawns at Kalaya in Fishtown

9. 35 oxtail platters at Ron’s Caribbean Cuisine in North Philly

10. 18 six-course meals at Marrakesh on South Street (inclusive of tax and tip)

11. 57 roast pork sandwiches at John’s Roast Pork in South Philly

12. 350 cups of water ice at Siddiq’s in Cobbs Creek

13. 36 tiffin combos at Amma’s South Indian Cuisine in University City

14. 234 smash burgers during DBG’s happy hour in Center City