25 Foods We’d Want If We Had Donald Trump’s Bring-Me-A-Coke Button

All of the Philly foods (and drinks) that we wish we had a button for, in order, plus some other stuff.

On Monday, I told you about the button that Donald Trump has on the Resolute Desk in the Oval Office. He presses it and someone brings him a Coca-Cola. It’s the President’s Bring-Me-A-Coke button. And it got me thinking… What if I had that kind of power? What if my job afforded me the opportunity to have a button installed on my desk which, when pressed, could bring me anything I wanted?

Now sure, we’ve got a lot of delivery services in this town. But that’s not really what we’re talking about here — we’re not talking about making a call or clicking some buttons on a website then waiting X number of minutes for some overworked delivery person to schlep a cheesesteak to your door. No, we’re essentially talking about magic. Push a button, get a Coke. That’s the wonder of the Bring-Me-A-Coke button. It doesn’t matter where it comes from or how. It doesn’t matter who brings it. What matters is, you press the button and the Coke arrives.

What would you do with a button like that? What would it bring you? I decided to make a list of my choices, in order. I limited myself (mostly) to foods and drinks. Like the President, I tried to show a little uncharacteristic restraint. Here’s what I came up with.

Hey, I’ve Got This Button On My Desk And Every Time I Press It, It Brings Me…

  1. Donald Trump’s Coke (Not just any Coke. The President’s Coke. He hits his button, the Coke arrives. I hit mine, his vanishes and arrives at my office. I just think it would be funny is all. Plus, I also really like a cold Coca-Cola now and then.)
  2. Deep fried cheese curds from Fox & Son
  3. Banoffee tart and a sausage roll from Stargazy
  4. A chocolate tehina milkshake from Goldie
  5. More deep fried cheese curds from the Cow And The Curd (because every time I’m out at a street festival or an outdoor concert and I see the truck, I think to myself “Fried cheese curds with Sriracha mayo? Perfect!” But then I see the line. And the people in that truck? They can only move so fast. The curds gotta fry. So really, this is all about maximizing my time. Under normal circumstances, the cheese curds are good. But almost NO cheese curds are worth standing in line for 45 minutes. Lucky me, I got this button right here…)
  6. Two breakfast sandwiches from Hungry Pigeon
  7. Several pounds of honey bologna from Ely Farm (I had this stuff for the first time while reviewing Buckminster’s. Then Buckminster’s closed, which was not surprising. Unfortunately, this cut off my primary supply of the best bologna I’ve ever tasted. The only other way I know to get it is to go to the farm in Newtown and buy it. Hence, my Bologna Button.)
  8. Fish jerky from Royal Izakaya (What I mean here is the eihire yaki–skate wing, baked until dry, and served with soy and togarishi. It’s a hard thing to eat in public because it’s just so tough to chew. But in the privacy of my own whatever? Makes a nice snack — particularly when I hit the button a second time and it delivers a plate of Japanese sausages on the side.)
  9. Scallion pancakes from Tom’s Dim Sum
  10. A Genny Cream Ale, in the can, and a shot of Jameson whiskey (I put this about halfway down the list, but really? I’d probably use my button for this more than anything. Except maybe the fried cheese curds.)
  11. “Prosciutto di Philly” from Salumificio Cicala. (Yeah, that’s Joe Cicala’s new, extremely boutique salumeria. He’s selling his charcuterie online, shipping to all 50 states, but that “Prosciutto di Philly”? It’s still sleeping — aging in some secret location where it won’t be ready until 2018. But I want mine now. Prosciutto button GO!)
  12. Mofongo and hot sauce from El Rincon Criollo
  13. Just the hot sauce (because there is nothing in this world that El Rincon’s hot sauce does not make better.)
  14. These donuts from the Kimberton Fire Company, hot from the oil, whenever I want them (Because I am not good at waiting.)
  15. Whatever the guy at Christos’ Falafel is serving at that moment
  16. Egg raviolo from Res Ipsa
  17. Lê from Hop Sing Laundromat (Mostly because I think it would be funny how furious he would be every time he just appeared in my office, pulled away from whatever important thing he was doing. I can picture his face and imagine how many times he would call me “motherfucker” before he calmed down enough to make me a drink. I’ve got a pretty esoteric bar at the office, stocked with everything from 12-year-old Redbreast whiskey to Faber gin in an oversized bottle. But I’m curious what he would make me from the Michter’s barrel-strength rye, year-old cans of diet Dr. Pepper and bathtub gin that we made one time as an experiment.)
  18. The greens and beans from Palizzi Social Club (Since I can’t actually go there anymore.)
  19. Cold cheese and pepperoni pizza from Nino’s Pizzarama (Sure, there are plenty of good hot pizzas being made in Philly. But Nino’s is the best morning-after pizza around.)
  20. Roti canai from Penang (For as long as I can remember, this has been my favorite single dish in Philly. But I put it lower down on the list because I’m worried that if I have unfettered access to it, all day every day, it’ll become less special to me.)
  21. Sate Kampar’s char siew pork
  22. A brisket sandwich from Stove & Tap (The place is in Lansdale which, unless you live in Lansdale, is like three hours from everything else on earth. It’s a pain to get there, then to wait, then to drive home with the sandwich sitting on your passenger seat, tempting you. But seriously, this brisket sandwich with gouda and horseradish–order extra–and beef jus for dipping haunts my dreams. It is the best sitting-on-the-couch-watching-cartoons-at-midnight sandwich around, and if I had a button that just made one appear, I might never stop pressing it.)
  23. Fried chicken from Federal Donuts (It would work Wheel Of Fortune-style, and I would never know what kind would show up until I hit the button. But it would ALWAYS come with a plain, naked donut because the plain, naked donuts are still the best donuts that FedNuts does.)
  24. A pizza from Pizzeria Beddia, done the same way
  25. The $5 cheeseburger from Fountain Porter (The thing you have to remember here is that I can always hit the button twice.)

What, you want more lists? [f8b8z]