Philly-Themed Cocktails from Local Comedians
Comedians Chip Chantry and Jim Grammond posted the following list of Philly-themed cocktails to Facebook. We’re re-publishing it here with their permission. And if you notice that either Chantry or Grammond are performing around town, do yourself the favor of seeing them live.
Philadelphia in the summertime is loaded with great bars, restaurants, and pop-up gardens where we can sit back, relax, and enjoy a good drink. These watering holes will often name a drink or two after a notable person, place or thing from this city’s rich history.
In the spirt of themed-spirits, Chip Chantry and Jim Grammond have taken the initiative to create some Philadelphia-themed cocktails and specialty drinks that bars across town should adopt. Immediately. Enjoy.
CHIP’S DRINK SPECIALS:
- THE PORT RICHMOND ICED TEA: It’s a Long Island Iced Tea served with a restraining order.
- THE MADE IN AMERICA SPECIAL: For 3 bucks, you get a can of Budweiser and a pregnancy test.
- THE RUBEN AMARETTO: When you drink it, it totally ruins your judgement.
- THE FADO: It’s a beautiful traditional Irish whiskey bottle, literally filled with shit from Cherry Hill.
- THE CENTER CITY: It’s a Manhattan, but way cheaper and more dangerous.
- THE HOT TODDLER IN A CAR: A fireball shot with an animal cracker in it.
- THE SURLY TEMPLE: It’s ginger ale, grenadine, and no marketable skills.
- THE RUM KNIGHT SHYAMALAN: It’s a boring rum drink, with a twist!
- THE GAYBORHOOD: It’s a relationship with your father, on the rocks.
- THE HAND JOB ON PENN’S LANDING: It’s like a Sex on the Beach, but much more realistic.
- THE PHILADELPHIA UNION: (for soccer fans!) After drinking it, you will end up in Chester, and won’t be able to use your hands.
- THE GLENGARRY HEIDNIK: Finely aged Scotch that’s kept in the basement.
JIM’S DRINK SPECIALS:
- THE LIBERTY BELL: Two parts American whiskey, one part crack.
- THE RITA’S WATER ICE: Available in a variety of tropical flavors, served while a pregnant woman smokes three feet away from you.
- THE PHILLY.COM COMMENTER: It’s all bitters. (Also known as the 610 WIP Caller.)
- THE PHILLIE PHANATIC: No one knows what’s in it, but it’s green and will have you thrusting your hips at children.
- THE NORTHEAST PHILLY: It’s Polish vodka, Irish whiskey, and Italian liqueur, but if you try to mix any more brown liquors into it the other ones all leave.
- THE PENN STUDENT: After five minutes you’ll want to slam it as hard as possible.
- THE COMCAST REP: You can order one, but then if you try to order something else the bartender won’t let you.
- THE PHILLY BLACK AND TAN: You’re fine with it, but your dad says it ruined the bar.
- THE KENZOTINI: It’s a martini, but the toothpick for the olives is a used syringe from under the El.
- THE JAWN ISLAND ICED TEA
- THE PAT’S AND GENO’S: Really just any drink served next to a more racist version of that drink.
- THE DJ JAZZY JEFF AND THE FRESH PRINCE: One part super premium, world-famous vodka, one part vodka people are surprised is still around.
PLEASE DRINK RESPONSIBLY.