Top Chef All-Stars Episode 7: No Bitchin’ in the Kitchen

Fidel Gastro recaps Top Chef All-Stars while battling through an uncommon ailment.

Disclaimer: I am writing this recap after unsuccessfully attempting to eat 3 pounds of pastrami as fast as possible.  My pores are oozing with the malodor of both cured meat (nothing sensuous about it) and failure. It is rather distracting, so please forgive me if this recap sucks.

We begin this week with a reminder about Antonia’s uncanny skill to send people home, giving her the awesome-as-shit nickname, “Black Hammer.”  This season, she has taken out Jen Carroll, Jamie, and Tiffani, but I’m pretty sure she’s not long for the Top Chef kitchens.  I give her two more episodes tops.  We are then whisked away to Le Bernardin, where Bourdain introduces us to a dude named Justo, the subject of a chapter in his new book, Medium Raw (plug!).  Justo is not straight out of Locash, but he is a crazy motherf*cker when it comes to fish, and he can break down two sizable specimens in 8 minutes flat.  After witnessing the spectacle, the cheftestants are challenged to replicate it for the pre-Quickfire Quickfire: filet and portion one fluke and one cod in 10 minutes.  Once again, we are regaled with the magical lore of Marcel, who alleges he fought through a fish allergy because he’s such a super chef.  So super, in fact, that he does a great job with the fish, as do Dale, Blais, and Isabella, all of whom now get to create a dish using the fish scraps for the actual Quickfire. .  Dale T is well versed in this, saying that his family was doing nose-to-tail before it was even cool.  The other three are also stoked about this challenge for varying reasons, including Marcel’s speech about throwing away life.  Being a fan of the underdog fish parts myself, I was also stoked about this challenge, and what I consider to be the Top 3 and Marcel all put together solid dishes, but it was Dale’s use of the liver that gave Bourdain a chubby and Dale the immunity-granting win.

Back in the kitchen, Padma and guest chef Ludo Lefebvre (the self-styled king of pop-restaurants) introduce what we’ve been waiting for all season, Restaurant Wars.  Dale’s Quickfire win makes him team captain and allows him to pick the other one.  The obvious choice is Marcel, because who wants to work with Marcel?  I don’t know if it’s the production, but it’s really awkward watching the team-picking go down for this reason, and Blais even admits trying to hide in plain sight by putting his head down and hoping he doesn’t get picked by the little elf.  Dale drafts a solid team, including Fabio for front of the house.  Even if your dishes suck, his service skills are so spellbinding that you would probably be less apt to talk shit, and with the diners getting to choose the winner this time around, getting Fabio is like getting LT in his prime for your fantasy football team (for those of you who are more food focused, this is not lettuce and tomato, but LaDainian Tomlinson, who was a backfield beast until he did a Chunky Soup commercial).  Marcel’s team isn’t bad, but he commands so little respect that the team was screwed from the get-go.  Their concept, Medi or Etch or whatever, also had zero focus.  Dale’s team, on the other hand, put together a great concept based around a Bodega and hoped that the diners got it.

On to the dinner service, where Marcel’s team continues to fall apart.  Colicchio tries to roost, but Marcel shoos him away like a fly.  The dynamic, as Tom called it, had a “weird energy.”  I thought it was worse than that, and the whole thing was a failure.  Infighting between Marcel and Isabella, poor execution, and a nervous Tiffany in the front of the house made for a terrible pop-up experience.  To add insult to injury, the food sucked.  For every failure of Etch, Bodega had the equal and opposite reaction of success.  In the words of the Wonder Pets, “What’s gonna work? Teamwork.”  And they nailed it, from Dale’s bag of chips starter to Fabio’s amaretto cake.

At Judges’ Table, Team Marcel is brought out first, but the smiles quickly turn into frowns when the crushing defeat is announced, and those frowns turn into a monster bickering session facilitated by Colicchio.  Following that, Team Dale is brought in, showered with praise, and Blais is given the win and $10,000.  Then we are back to Team Marcel.  Thinking it would either be him or Tiffany, I was happy to see him pack his knives.  Although he claims to be misunderstood, he’s such a dick on camera that you really grow to despise him, and who wants a Top Chef that gloats?  Even in defeat, he says, “I thought I’d never have to hear those words.”  As far as I’m concerned, he can go f*ck himself.  Down to lucky 13.  Good luck cheftestants.