The Onion: “I’m Sorry You’re About to Hear All About My Marathon”

Hilarious. Also, true.

Courtesy Philadelphia Marathon

If you’ve ever run a marathon—or heck, any sort of race, ever—you’ve totally done this before: Bored someone to tears with all the intricate details of every single second of your fitness endeavor. On the one hand, you should be proud of your accomplishment. You did it! You’re awesome! But on the other hand … does your coworker really need to hear about the nasty blister you developed around 14.5, and how you had to stop for a minute at the next water station to pop it, just to journey on? No. No, she doesn’t.

Thank God we have the Onion to help us laugh at ourselves just a little. A recent commentary aptly titled, “I’m Truly Sorry for This, But You’re About to Hear All About the Last Marathon I Ran,” lays out (in nearly 800 painstaking words) exactly what we’ve all caught ourselves doing from time to time: humblebragging about our various fitness-related accomplishments. Now you can see how annoying it is.

So as we head in to prime marathon season here in Philly, consider yourself enlightened. And warned.