10 Pay-By-Weight Scenarios That Are Just as Ridiculous as Samoa Air’s New Ticket Policy

In light of the airline's new policy, I give you: 10 other circumstances that could be handled in a similar fashion because it's not body-shaming if it's inoffensive to skinny people. (I kid, of course.)

In what has been determined by NPR as The Jokiest Non-April Fool’s Joke joke, Samoa Air—of the Pacific island nation of Samoa—has begun to charge passengers based on what they weigh. According to the airline’s website, this is meant to be empowering. “You are the master of your Air’fair’,” it says. (Fair/fare, get it?!) “You decide how much (or little) your ticket will cost.” See, it’s simple: YOU decide how much you pay because YOU can choose to stop being so darn fat in time for the next flight!! Awesome!

A slew of equally ridiculous questions accompany this ridiculous pay-by-weight scenario. Like: Will I be weighed at the airport? Can I strip to my boxers in public without facing arrest? If I’m purchasing my ticket online, should I take a photo of my scale and submit it to Travelocity to validate my alleged weight? Will online check-in be a thing of the past? “The Sky’s the Limit!” their site brags, though they may want to switch out “sky” in favor of “scale.”

In keeping with this pay-by-weight theme, I’ve imagined 10 other scenarios in which paying by weight would be both effective and smart (read: ineffective and stupid). Let’s play!

:: Pay for a surrogate mother by weight of the baby, once born – because those poor surrogate mothers need proper compensation for chauffeuring your especially overweight fetuses around, right?

:: Pay for a haircut by the weight of the collected hair cut off – because sometimes people have a lot of hair that needs to be cut and you should definitely be singled out for it because that’s gross.

:: Pay for wisdom teeth extraction by weight of teeth – because you know how the old saying goes: “The heavier the teeth are, the harder they are to get out and dentists should be paid more for those.” Or something.

:: Pay for a college course by weight of textbooks – because the amount of textbook pages you read is directly proportional to the amount of knowledge you receive in any given class.

:: Pay for dating service by weight – because there’s more to love!!! It’s only fair!

:: Pay for gym membership by weight – because maybe if you pay more money for your membership then it’ll be more of an incentive to actually go to the gym. I’m doing this for YOU, okay?

:: Pay for concert tickets by weight – because you sweat a lot more than thinner people do and that can make other people uncomfortable. I’m not body-shaming—it’s just true!!

:: Pay for movie tickets by weight – because the seat you leave behind is particularly cratered and you always bring candy and make a huge mess, you tub o’ lard. You must pay.

:: Pay for the subway by weight – because you take up additional room on the subway and maybe if we raise the price, you’ll just start walking and the rest of us will be free to live our lives.

:: Pay for a rental house by weight – because overweight vacationers are way more likely to break a chair or mistake a neighbor for a midnight treat. The rental price goes up simply for all of the extra liability. Remember: you are the master of your rental house! YOU decide how much a rental house will cost!!!

>> What do you think of Samoa Air’s new policy? Share your thoughts in the comments.

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