It’s January So My Gym’s Filled With Clueless People
This time of year, my gym is packed to maximum capacity, thanks to all the resolution-makers and runners forced indoors by the cold. You’d never know it by looking at me, but I work out regularly, and when I’m not sobbing over how the six-pack of my youth is now short a few cans, I’m obsessing over violators of the unspoken gym etiquette code. I’ve noticed that most offenders—be they year-round regulars or beach-body newbies who’ll give up on this sweating business by the spring—seem oblivious to their irritating behavior. So in an effort to break these zombies of their bad habits, here’s a checklist of the guilty and what I imagine they must be thinking. If any of this sounds familiar, take a good look in those full-length gym mirrors, turn off your Bluetooth, and step away from the elliptical.
The “Trail Of 100-Pound Breadcrumbs” Guy
Where are the 90-pound dumbbells? Oh, right. Next to the incline bench, where I left them on the floor. Or was it near the decline bench? No, I left the 80s on the floor over there, with the 50-pound plates I also left on the floor. And the medicine ball, also on the floor now. I wonder how they all end up back on the racks in the morning in ascending order of weight? It’s like magic.
The “I Watched A Fitness Boot Camp Infomercial And I’m Totally Inspired” Girl
Ok, think I’m set. I’ve got three kettlebells, a balance board, four sets of free weights, a plyometrics box, a trampoline, uneven parallel bars, and a sprint parachute. I’m sure no one will mind that I’ve cleared out 500 square feet of space and half the gym’s equipment to run through my 45-minute power set. Let’s do this!
The “Gym Is My Office” Guy
Glad I ponied up for the Bluetooth with the wrap-around headband. This bad boy is never gonna fall off my head. Hey, bro—don’t eye up that bench. Can’t you see all my reports for the 4 o’clock meeting and my Blackberry are sitting on it? Think I’m putting that shit on the floor? Think again, bro. I love it when my secretary calls while I’m curling. [Related species: The “In-Between Sets Is A Great Time To Make Lengthy Progress On That Novel I’m Reading” Girl]
The “Social Networking” Guy
That girl is super cute. I need a good opener. Should ask her about her day. Or how crowded this place is. Maybe compliment her on her flexibility. Little double entendre there, too—hey oh! Just kidding! What’s that guy doing? Never saw that move before. Some cutting-edge exercise I should know about? I’ll ask him. I’m sure the iPod he’s listening to isn’t a sign that he doesn’t want to be bothered. I mean, who comes to the gym and doesn’t want to talk?
The “Exhibitionist” (unisex)
Whew! Nothing like a cool shower after a great workout. I’d much rather use my towel to dry my hair than to cover my sex organs. Let’s see, where’s my locker. Oh, yeah—right by the entrance. It’s funny when people walk in and you’re the first thing they see. It’s like, hey folks, it’s a gym! First time you’ve seen a [penis/vagina]? Whoa, breeze alert! Close that door! [Related species: The “Perpetually Naked Senior Citizen Who Hasn’t Seen His Pasty, Sagging Buttocks In A Decade But Is Determined To Make Sure You Do” Guy]
The “Revel In My Musk” Guy
Yo pal, I’m on that bench. Yeah, that’s right, walk away. You’d think the full-body sweat outline I left behind would have been a clue. Occupied, dude. Surprised he couldn’t smell the mark of the beast, either. My pits are like sprinklers! Sucks to be whoever’s on this next. Hope he’s got one of those rectangular-shaped cloths from the front desk. Super-absorbent, too.
The “I Refuse to Acknowledge Your Measurements Of Time” Girl
I totes hate running on the treaddie. Better be a rerun of the Kardashians or Kendra on E!. OMG, here come the losers waiting for a machine—so awks. I know the sign says 30 minutes max, but evs, people! That rule is ridic. I need 60 to fit into my skinny jeans, obvo. Good thing I hang my towel on the screen so no one can see how long I’ve been on here. Don’t be all jells because I got here before you did. Gross.