Addicted: The Dark Side of Gay Sex

The American Psychiatric Association doesn't consider sex addiction a legitimate mental disorder, but for some young, gay Philadelphians, it's a very real problem.

The Path of Least Temptation

Other than getting caught looking at porn by a few coworkers during the height of his addiction, John’s steered clear of any major consequences. His biggest hurdle was working to rebuild Derek’s trust. Falango says that even though trouble in relationships is one of the greater dangers, statistics are on the addict’s side. “Seventy-two to 75 percent of partners and spouses of sex addicts stay in the relationship,” he says, “if they get help.”

Falango’s one-on-one treatment process involves getting to the bottom of arousal and helping patients feel less ashamed. He also offers group sessions. In some instances, he recommends a period of “sobriety” that involves no sex or masturbation. Interestingly, he says, during this process some patients experience the same withdrawal symptoms as those weaning themselves off drugs or alcohol, including sweats, tremors, anxiety and headaches. Along with therapy, he also suggests joining a 12-step program for at least 18 months, a period that has been proven to dramatically decrease the chance of relapse.

The most prominent 12-step program for gay sex addicts in Philadelphia is Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous (SLAA), which provides more than 70 weekly meeting groups in the Delaware Valley. Unlike Sexaholics Anonymous (SA), which stipulates that there should be no sex outside of a legally binding marriage, SLAA is more welcoming to the LGBT community because it allows members to develop their own definitions of what constitutes “healthy” sex. The weekly meetings, structured around a program that’s slightly modified from the one used by Alcoholics Anonymous, can range from speaker formats and member-sharing sessions to
topic-oriented discussions in which members focus on a particular step and talk about the way it has affected their lives.

This is the path John took to find his sexual sobriety, and for seven years now the only name that’s been on his spreadsheet is Derek’s.

“One of the basic [12-step] tenets is to share your sobriety with others,” he says. “At this point, that’s what keeps me sober.”