Addicted: The Dark Side of Gay Sex

Inside Fantasyland

Thanks to the highly publicized sexual antics of superstars like George Michael and Tiger Woods, the term “sex addict” has been tossed around a lot in recent years. And along with it has come a string of controversy about whether it’s a legit problem or merely a trendy cop-out for cheating. The American Psychiatric Association has yet to include it in its Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, so research on the topic is limited—especially when it comes to gay men. Robert Weiss, author of Cruise Control, a book about sex addiction among homosexual males, writes that 85 percent of guys who seek treatment for sexual addiction are straight. This, he says, is largely because promiscuity is more accepted in the LGBT community, but “as more gay men move toward marriage and committed relationship models, more gays … are entering treatment to help curb sexual patterns that become unmanageable.”

This doesn’t come as a surprise to local gay psychotherapist Mark Falango, who treats nearly a dozen gay men for sexual compulsion disorders out of his Center City and New Hope offices. His treatment plan revolves around the fact that sex addiction is rooted in trauma, early wounds and pain.

“Gays have had a fair share of that,” he says. “We were raised with a lot of shame-based messages [that say] who we are and what we’re doing is wrong.” So it’s no wonder that sexual behaviors skyrocket when a gay man enters a “culture where sex is easier and you don’t have to go through the same ritual and courtship [as] straight couples.”

Falango’s quick to point out that having lots of sex isn’t an indication of addiction. Some of the major problem signs are letting the behavior get out of control, suffering repeated negative consequences and making failed attempts to stop. In fact, a lot of times it’s usually not about sex at all. “A lot of addicts are most addicted to the preoccupation, ritualization and fantasy [around the pursuit],” he says. “The sex lasts 10 or 15 minutes and they plummet.” The actual “high” comes from navigating hookup sites and apps, looking at porn on the Internet, or hunting for tricks in places like bookstores, public restrooms and local bathhouses. “The bathhouse [and Internet] is good because it allows you to be anonymous,” he explains. “When you’re in an addiction you’re somebody else, you split off into this secret self.”