INTERVIEW: Our Chat with Beef, the Chief Feline Officer of Kawaii Kitty Cafe

"The cafe actually belongs to the cats. The humans are only there to serve us."
Beef rocking the latest trend in feline hats.

Beef rocking the latest trend in feline hats.

Sure, Philly has been all abuzz with the word that Kawaii Kitty Cafe — the city’s first cat-friendly coffee shop were you’ll be able to get a drink and hang out with a ton of furry friends — will be opening its doors in February, but has anyone stopped to think about the felines who are running things behind-the-scenes? We were able to land an exclusive interview with Beef, whose human companion, Kristin Eissler, is the face of Kawaii Kitty Cafe. But, make no mistake: It’s the cats who are really running the show, as Beef clearly shared with us during our chat.

When did you meet your human, Kristin? Was it love at first sight?
We met about seven months ago. I had been looking to adopt a human for a while now. When she walked by my cage she was happily munching away on a snack. Since I base all my friendships on food, I knew she was the one. Plus I wanted a bite of that sandwich.

What was your first reaction when you heard your human was opening a cat cafe? Any jealousy?
Well, and this is off the record of course, but the cafe actually belongs to the cats. The humans are only there to serve us. Haven’t you noticed cat cafes are popping up all over the world? It’s all part of our super evil super secret plan for world domination.

Beef overseeing construction at the cafe, and trying to steal a cookie from a young human.

Beef overseeing construction at the cafe, and trying to steal a cookie from a young human.

What will your role be when the cafe opens?
My primary role is to be overwhelmingly cute and fluffy while greeting the humans. And then when they finally get comfortable and caught up in my cuteness, that’s when I’ll strike (That’s off the record, too).

What design advice did you give your human about the cafe?
I told my human everything in the cafe should be made of shiny string and cat nip and she told me, “Lay off that nip! You have a problem.” So, instead, she’s making it pink and cute. How terrible.

Are dogs allowed in the cafe?
Dogs will not be allowed inside but they are welcome to stand in front of the window to be ridiculed and judged by the cafe cats.

What do you make of humans who are allergic to you?
I say good! These allergic humans know their place. Hopefully one day all humans will be allergic.

Beef putting his stamp of approval on the cafe's logo t-shirt.

Beef putting his stamp of approval on the cafe’s logo t-shirt.

I’ve heard outside of running the cafe and potential world domination, you have some interesting hobbies. What are they?
My favorite hobby by far is taking one sip out of my human’s water glass then knocking it over. I give myself extra points if it gets all over the electronics. I also enjoy attacking my human’s legs while she’s in the shower. She likes it too because she always screams when I do it! I also like to eat trash and drink out of the toilet. Then, I save up a really ripe fart and let it loose under the blankets while my mom is sleeping. That’s actually how I got the name Beef.

Out of your nine lives, how many have you used up?
I’ve already used three lives but they were all because I wanted a snack so it was totally worth it. First, I jumped from a two story widow because I saw a hoagie on the sidewalk. Then I walked across a hot stove because my human left her food unattended on the counter. Then, I broke my butt trying (and failing) to jump and grab treats off the kitchen counter. I would do it all over again if I got the chance.

You can visit Beef and the rest of the felines at the Kawaii Kitty Cafe (759 S. Fourth Street) when it opens in February. The humans tell us to check the cafe’s Facebook page to stay up-to-date on an exact opening date. You can also check out lots of pictures of Beef on the cafe’s Instagram account.