Teens Urinate on ‘Entire’ Northern Liberties Houses, Have Really Long Sex

NBC 10′s Denise Nakano reported Tuesday night on spillover from the Radio 104.5 block party, held last Saturday at the Piazza. And I mean “spillover.” Per NBC 10, there weren’t enough free toilets at the Piazza, and so teenagers seeing Phantogram and Chvrches left the Piazza to go pee on things in Northern Liberties.

“My entire house was peed on, people were having sex two feet in front of my children and everyone was drunk that day,” said Sibyl Lindsay of Northern Liberties.

This is some high-class hyperbole, as a few pointed out on Twitter. Her entire house was peed on? I did not know NBC 10′s coverage area included Brobdingnag.

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How to Get out of Having the Birds and the Bees Talk With Your Kid

Shutterstock.com

Shutterstock.com

World War II fascinates my 10-year-old son Michael, so I rented the movie Pearl Harbor from Verizon. I forgot what a horrible movie it is and how director Michael Bay tried to force a love triangle into the plot. Before the Japanese attack, there were a lot of intense kissing scenes, which bothered my 7-year-old son David.

“Every time they kiss, my penis starts to shake,” he yelled out.

We probably were not supposed to laugh, but my wife and I couldn’t help it. It was a genuinely funny line and it wasn’t his last. Spurred on our laughter, David said, “It’s like I have an alien in my pants. It just keeps getting bigger and bigger.”

(At this point I want to write a message to future David for when he Googles his name years from now and reads this. I am not writing this to embarrass you or the alien. You were just naturally funny and I hope you still are as you read this. If not, I’ll pay for the therapy … or a car … which ever is cheaper.)

I share this story first and foremost because, as I said, it’s funny. But also, because my wife then told me that I soon need to talk with my two boys about sex, especially Michael.

When Is the Right Time to Talk to Your Kid About Sex? »

The Most Awesome Music Video From 1994 Stars Chris’ Jazz Cafe Manager Whose House Blew Up

ron talton chris jazz cafe house blew up music video

Remember the South Philadelphia house that blew up recently? No, not that one. This one.

The man whose house blew up was Ron Talton, a manager at Chris’ Jazz Cafe on Sansom Street, and on Thursday night, Chris’ is holding a benefit to help him out. Some of Philly’s best jazz musicians are coming out for it, and all of the proceeds ($10 suggested donation) go to helping Talton get his life back in order.

But what you really need to know about Ron Talton is that he used to be a professional singer in Germany, and in 1994, he starred in this semi-NSFW music video for his song, “Tie U Up.” And it is… amazing.

I’m pretty sure the lyrics go something like: “I would usually use my hammer, but with you, I’ve got the wood… I’m gonna tie you up, funk it down, hit you with my two-by-four…”

Enjoy this totally 1994 flashback to 1994. I don’t know whether to say, “You’re welcome” or “I’m sorry.”

Here’s How Long an Average Sex Session Lasts in PA

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Shutterstock

Leave it to Gawker to clue us in on a new list that ranks These United States according to the average length of their residents’ sex sessions. The website Nerve actually did the legwork, using data from a sex-tracking app called Spreadsheets. According to the figures, sex sessions in Pennsylvania last, on average, two minutes and 58 seconds—putting us almost exactly smack dab in the middle of the sack pack. We rank at #24 overall.

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#YourSexualHealthMatters Teen Pregnancy Prevention Campaign Launches in Philly

#imatter

Photo via I Matter

The birds and the bees talk is awkward, to say the least. Most teens are too busy trying to diffuse their embarrassment with exaggerated eye rolls and snarky remarks to actually absorb any valuable information concerning their sexual health. So the Philly-based Family Planning Council’s I MATTER Teen Pregnancy Prevention Project is taking a more teen-friendly approach to the sex-talk. And what’s more teen-friendly than, well, other teens doing the talking?

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The Comprehensive, No-Nonsense Guide To Buying Sex Toys In Philly

The No-Nonsense Guide To Buying Sex Toys In Philly

My first encounter with sex toys was watching an episode of Sex and the City (Who can forget Charlotte’s “rabbit” intervention?). Sure, it was a pretty one-sided presentation and it may have perpetuated a few stereotypes, but at the time, having the WASP-iest member of the group singing her bubblegum-pink vibrator’s high praises felt mighty progressive. I’ve since learned that the realm of sex toys is crazy expansive and I know nary about it. So in honor of Valentine’s Day, I got the scoop on sex toys in Philly by chatting separately with our very own sex shop masterminds: Susan Mannino of Pleasure Chest and Khara Cartagena of The Velvet Lily (ed. note: our pick for Best of Philly!).

Click here for what to buy, how to buy it, and Philly’s favorite sex toys.

HEY, CHIRL: Help, I’m Scared of My Boyfriend’s Sex Toys!

HeyChirl.1The holidays are here, which means it’s time for our annual fight over whose family we spend them with. Is there any fair formula to decide?
Chirl, first off, be happy that both of your families want you present, and, more important, that you want to be with them. (I’d rather endure a Gilbert Gottfried show than suffer Arthur’s aunt and her comments about “the gays.”) Easiest plan: Alternate Thanksgiving and Christmas every year (if one of you is Jewish, the other gets Christmas), then spend New Year’s away from both clans. You’ll need a drink by then anyway.

My new guy is awesome in every way—except his taste in music is that of a 12-year-old girl. Can you really date a man who loves Miley Cyrus?
Chirl, unless he’s playing “The Climb” during sex, what’s on his iPod is moot. You can always find friends to go to see Dropkick Murphys with. Finding true love? Not so easy. Invest in good earphones and be thankful his worst trait is that he listens to music from iCarly.

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