The Phillie Phanatic Is an Ass

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Sorry to be the one to break this to you, but the Phillie Phanatic is a dick.

I know. You’re very angry right now. You really love the Phanatic. Honestly, I do, too.

But sit with it for a minute: The Phillie Phanatic is a raging, first-class asshole.

I know, it stings. It’s hard when you love someone who’s no good for you. Who triggers all your bad reflexes. Who enables all the dark impulses that keep you from reaching your full potential. Philadelphia, your love affair with the Phanatic is what Lady Gaga calls a bad romance.

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VIDEOS: Watch These 6 Great Clips of the Phillie Phanatic

Happy birthday, Phillie Phanatic! While the Phanatic’s birthday will be observed on a Sunday as usual — May 18th of this year — the Phanatic debuted at Veterans Stadium on April 25, 1978. He was first formally introduced on television by Captain Noah — the Captain and the late Mrs. Noah are the Phanatic’s godparents. Yes, the Phanatic has been baptized.

The Phillie Phanatic was not beloved instantly, and not because his baptism surely raises numerous theological questions. By August of that same year, the Phillies didn’t like him. After a win over the Padres, the Phillies questioned whether mascots should even exist! “All the activity was sort of upsetting,” said Larry Christenson. “I think maybe it detracts from the game,” said Danny Ozark, the manager.

Eventually, though, he won over our hearts. The Phanatic is the best mascot in sports. He’s entertaining. He’s emotive despite having a fixed expression. He’s hard-working and silly and his skits are both groan-worthy and brilliant at the same time. He’s also kind of a jerk. Somehow this stupid green monster is incredibly entertaining.

To celebrate his birthday, here are five great video clips of the Phanatic.

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6 GIFs That Prove the Phillie Phanatic Is the Best Mascot Ever

Though I think it would be obvious to all right-thinking people, not everyone believes the Phillie Phanatic is the best mascot in all of recorded history. Allow me to disabuse you of your ignorance by making a simple case in six GIFs from last night’s cold Phillies loss.

The particular Phanatic bit I’ll be focusing on happened in the third inning.

As you can see, the Phanatic was harassing a fan in the stands, as he is wont to do. This is my favorite part about the Phanatic: Its whole shtick is to be jerks to fans of the team he is supposedly a phanatic of. This is the kind of irony kids should be learning in school, alongside Shakespeare.

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Terrifying Blood Red Phillie Phanatic Returns to Haunt Your Dreams

Baseball season is about to start, which can only mean one thing: The Phillie Phanatic has been painted a terrifying alternate red color! This is the mascot version of a really ugly alternate jersey.

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