‘Tis the season for those pop-up Halloween stores that open at vacant former mega-bookstores or old, abandoned Circuit City locations: they are warehouses of spooky crap that reminds me why I haven’t dressed up for Halloween in ages. Just the other day, I spotted two recently opened locations: one on Chestnut Street between 15th and 16th and another in Cherry Hill across from the mall.
But even worse than these temporary warehouses of inflatable ghost lawn decorations: the costumes.
People, these things aren’t cute. They aren’t funny. And they look like someone with the social IQ of, like, negative ten came up with the ideas.
Below are ten of the absolute worst entertainment-themed costumes you can find at the earlier mentioned Halloween outlets (these all came from Spirit Halloween). Please, proceed with great caution…
Michael Jackson Child Costume
Michael Jackson. As a boy. Do I need to say anything more?
Duck Dynstay Child's Costume
While we're on children's costumes…hee-haw! Let's teach our youngins to be homophobic backwoods hicks before they're even ten years old!
"Adult" Big Bird
Umm…wait a minute. Since when did Big Bird become a girl? And since when did Big Bird become some sort of reject Miss America contestant? This costume is brought to you by the letter "F," as in FAIL.
Spongbob Squarepants: Patrick as a Sexy Woman
Who lives in a pineapple under the sea? Apparently this thing, which looks like vintage Britney Spears had a child with Patrick the Starfish. There is nothing sexy about Patrick, unless fictional marine invertebrates turn you on.
I ain't scared of no ghost, but I'm sorry: if girlfriend showed up to fight the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man in this number, I think we'd be in trouble. And with all of that exposed skin, she better hope no ectoplasm splashes!
Angry Bird as Luke Star Wars Fighter
Guys, I am SO confused. It's a man dressed as an Angry Bird dressed as Luke from Star Wars. What just happened?
Disney's Toy Story Woody Boxers
Disney, you cannot market this as a costume! And Woody, on underwear, of all characters? The jokes write themselves...
You need to buy a costume to be Nicki Minaj? Wait, I thought all you needed to do to be Nicki Minaj is run around in a bikini and curse...
Miley Cyrus as Twerking Teddy
Do we really need to relive the performance that killed Hannah Montana, especially via a piece of clothing that looks like you purchased at a Victoria's Secret outlet store?
There is nothing more romantic to go dressed as Mister Blurred Lines himself along with your significant other as the earlier featured twerking bear. I mean, seriously: this is what Halloween is all about, people.
Today marks the five-year anniversary of the death of pop icon Michael Jackson. Since that day, Jackson’s estate has been rolling in dough, due to booming music royalties, two successful posthumous albums and Cirque Du Soleil’s “Immortal World Tour,” which has logged in over 500 sold-out performances since its launch in 2011. It certainly seems as if Michael never left us.
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If you thought the days of new Michael Jackson music were over, think again: Apparently, the King of Pop will be releasing a posthumous album of never-before-heard tunes come May. Exciting or creepy? I’ll let you be the judge.
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Always wish you knew some killer Michael Jackson moves? Tomorrow at Maha Yoga, instructor Teagan Schweitzer will teach a yoga-and-dance mashup class that’ll intersperse MJ’s choreography with some fun yoga poses. Neat, right?
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After months of delays, the Gayborhood’s newest drinking spot — Varga Bar — officially opens tonight. If you want to read more about the décor (pinup models), the food (serious comfort fare), and the booze (lots of great beers — neighbor Tria, watch out!), check in with our friends at Foobooz, who have more information than any one person needs to know.
Varga Bar, 10th and Spruce streets; 215-627-5200.
Wait! Did you know there’s a big beer thing happening next week? And beer is back? And Michael Jackson is not just a guy who forces his children to wear blankets on their heads, but is also a recently deceased beer expert? And guys like beer and women like wine, sometimes? And Craig LaBan has a list of favorite places to drink beer that resembles just about everyone else’s?
Northeast High finally figures out what to do with those chickens that stormed the building last month: put them to work.
Meanwhile, in Camden, if you don’t behave, the principal will make you eat off of the gymnasium floor. Did you ever notice sharp provolone smells like dirty sweatsocks?
Richie Sambora dined at Morton’s – wonder if he ran into Nutter?
On Sunday September 30th at 9 PM bars across the country will be raising their glasses to the Beer Hunter, Michael Jackson. Jackson passed away on August 30th and as a way to salute the man who probably did more for good beer than any other, bars are organizing this toast and proceeds will benefit the Parkinsons research. Here’s a list of Philadelphia bars participating. If you know of any bars we missed, please add a comment.
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In today’s Metro The Bite highlights a toast to the Beer Hunter, Michael Jackson that is set for next Sunday.
It’s International Talk Like A Pirate Day and the Grey Lodge is celebrating and Rittenhouse Square has a new sports bar.
Beer Hunter Remembered [Metro Philadelphia]
Noted beer writer Michael Jackson, the Beer Hunter has passed away at his London home. He was 65. He was a huge influence in the beer world and visited Philadelphia regularly for events through the years.
Michael Jackson’s Final Call [Joe Sixpack]
Michael Jackson [Seen Through A Glass]
Michael Jackson’s Beer Hunter [Official Site]