Thank Heavens, Ashton Kutcher *Is* Coming to Penn After All

Punk’d! After a tragic, last-minute cancellation, Ashton Kutcher is coming to Penn after all. First, he was supposed to come this Wednesday, then cancelled because–really–the head Rabbi of the Kabbalah movement died and he needed to be at the funeral in Israel. So he rescheduled his much anticipated possibly anticipated speech at Wharton for October 7th. (4:30-6:00 p.m., Annenberg Center.) No word yet on what specific wisdom nuggets will be shared by screen Jobs himself. [DP]

NBC 10’s Daralene Jones Gets New York Times Wedding Write-Up

Former Daily News gossip columnist Dan Gross wrote in these pages a couple months ago that because Philly doesn’t have real celebrities, we ogle out local TV anchors instead. But if our local TV anchors show up in the New York Times wedding section, doesn’t that mean they are famous? Enter Daralene Jones, of NBC 10.

The bride, 32, is a reporter for WCAU-TV in Philadelphia. She graduated from Illinois State and received a master’s degree in public affairs reporting from the University of Illinois at Springfield. She is a daughter of Russell Hawkins of Chicago and the late Shirley Jean Head.

Wooooo! We know her! We know her! (The husband, Antoine Bell, works in Orlando for Lockheed Martin.) Woooooo!

h/t Daily News

BREAKING: Royal Baby Has Not Yet Exited Kate Middleton’s Belly

Just before 6 a.m., Duchess of Cambridge Kate Middleton was transported to the Lindo Wing of St. Mary’s Hospital in London, where she is now in the early stages, no wait, the middle stages, actually we have no idea a stage of labor (labour?) prepared to give birth at any moment. We’ll bring you more news as it breaks, but for now, here’s the latest riveting update.

“It seems it was a very orderly arrival,” [Sky News royal correspondent Paul] Harrison reported. “There were two vehicles. A Ranger Rover-type vehicle, and behind it there was an Audi vehicle.”

By the way, here’s how the news will be officially delivered, once the baby itself is delivered.

- Once the baby is born, doctors will sign a foolscap-size document, with the palace letterhead, giving the baby’s gender and time of birth. It will be terse and formal – the language is dictated by protocol – and will read something like “The Duchess of Cambridge was safely delivered of a prince / princess.” It may also provide the infant’s weight. Foolscap is a traditional British paper size – rarely used nowadays – that is taller but slightly narrower than either A4 or U.S. letter size.

– A royal aide will give this bulletin to an official, whose task is to carry the news from the hospital to the palace. It’s going to be a suspenseful short journey, about 15 minutes, and the drive will almost certainly be broadcast live to millions of television viewers worldwide.

– Once at the palace, the official will post the bulletin on a wooden easel placed in the frontcourt for the public to see.

Oh, and, just to ensure that all that pomp and circumstance and foolscappery is utterly useless:

- At the same time, the monarchy’s official Twitter and Facebook accounts will announce the news online.

[Fox News]

A-Rod Playing for Trenton…in Reading…Tonight!

The minor league baseball stadiums of the greater-greater Philadelphia region has turned into a depressing showcase of elderly, injured New York Yankees. Last week it was 39-year-old Derek Jeter, who after a stint in Scranton, returned to the bigs and promptly re-injured himself. This week, please welcome 37-year-old Alex Rodriguez, who’ll play for the Trenton Thunder in Reading against the Phillies’ Double-A affiliate. Store these precious moments in your memory banks–A-Rod may not be in uniform again for a long time. After his rehab assignment concludes on July 22nd, he could face an 150-game suspension for his alleged role in the Biogenesis steroid scandal. [CBS 3]

Yes, Miss Pennsylvania, You Defamed The Donald

Memo to everyone: It is indeed a crime to make up plausible sounding things about Donald Trump and his empire.

A federal judge in New York has upheld an arbitrator’s ruling that a Pennsylvania beauty queen must pay $5 million for defaming Donald Trump’s pageant company. Sheena Monnin resigned her crown as Miss Pennsylvania last year, saying the contest was rigged. She claimed another contestant learned the names of the top five Miss USA finishers hours before the show was broadcast.

Free Sheena! [CBS 3]

We Don’t Know Why, But Snoop Lion Was at PHL This Morning

A Reddit user reports that Snoop Lion, aka Snoop Dogg, was passing through PHL this morning. This photo, which does indeed depict PHL, and does indeed appear to depict the pride of Long Beach, is our evidence. The tired look on the young man’s face–the user’s brother–and the closedness of a shop in the background appears to confirm the earliness of the encounter.

Photo: moneyball026

Why Snoop was passing through town, I have not been able to divine. Hanging out again with his buddy DeSean Jackson perhaps?

A Red Hot Chili Pepper, The Rolling Stones, and a Really Aggressive Bodyguard

Location: The Four Seasons, Philadelphia.

Date: Friday, while the Rolling Stones were still in town.

Event: Red Hot Chili Peppers lead singer Anthony Kiedis attempts to enter hotel around same time Stones are leaving. Due (presumably) to scrubby mustache, mysterious Rolling Stones security goon prevents him from entering hotel, eventually putting him into some sort of a jusitsu headlock.

Coming to the rescue of a celebrity, for the first time in history, were the paparazzi, who repeatedly informed the henchmen that Kiedis was a rock star, and was thus not to have his personal space invaded by anyone but the paparazzi.

The Glorious Time Drake Was Denied Access to the Miami Heat Locker Room

Allow me to indulge my rooting interests for a moment. I am a rabid disliker of LeBron James and the Miami Heat. If you figure out where I’m from and Google “2012 Eastern Conference Championship,” you will know why. So last night wasn’t a good night. But here’s a little something to lift your spirits, if you too bear an irrational, deep-seated hatred of the just-crowned NBA champions.

Part of what makes the Heat so obnoxious are its fans: They don’t know anything about basketball, they come late and leave early, and they are largely comprised of carpetbagging bandwagoner celebrities who want a piece of LeBron. Like Drake. Who was gloriously barred from entering the clubhouse yesterday. Delicious.

[H/T Deadspin]

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