At long last, Blake Lively’s new “lifestyle site” is here. It is called Preserve and it is one part Martha Stewart, one part Kinfolk, two parts painful earnestness, and five parts Instagram filter. Shoppist’s assistant editor Marina pointed out that the sun-kissed photo of a golden-haired Blake romantically penning the site’s “editor’s letter” looks a whole lot like this photo of Gossip Girl‘s Serena van der Woodsen studying for her SATs.
But, hey. We’re not here to judge. You know who is, though? EVERYONE ELSE ON THE PLANET. Here are the best reactions from Blake’s fellow pals on the web:
“Preserve … greatly resembles a whiskey homepage.”
This is very true. Look:
From The Guardian:
“[The site] is like a mirror of [Blake Lively’s] soul, if her soul is the Instagram account of a young woman in Austin who goes to farmers’ markets and likes a Navajo print.”
From Entertainment Weekly:
“Things get a bit hazier over on the FAQ page. ‘Are all of the products you carry made in America?’ asks no one. “’Ah, the good old US of A,’ responds Preserve, suddenly accented like a senator from a Frank Capra movie who keeps on tugging his suspenders while an associate fans him with a palm frond.”
From The Cut:
“It looks like a promotional website for a horror movie in 2005.”
This is also very true. Here is a 2005 promotional website for the horror movie Hostel.
And here is a screenshot of Preserve.
What you don’t know is that the model wearing the Muddy Water Barton Slim pants for $295 is also running away from an abandoned house where masked men tried to cut off his arms.
From The Hairpin:
“Its navigation is barely sufficient to merit the word, so when a spectral black-and-white picture of Blake streamed by I wagged my cursor at it frantically, whispering, ‘Serena, come back.'”
From The Wire, which ran down some of the items you can buy on Preserve:
“Ketchup for $7. It’s ‘backstory’ is simply ‘ketchup.'”
This of course begs the question: Why does ketchup need a backstory? Why are you buying ketchup here? Do you not have access to good ketchup at your grocery store? (If this is the case, where do you live and what is wrong with Heinz?) This also illustrates the fact that someone at Preserve does not know what the word “backstory” means. Case in point:
See, Blake, that’s not exactly a backstory. That’s just poorly written, heavy-handed copywriting. (Also, “a soothing salve for bruised feelings”? Are you kidding me? It’s $11 hot fudge, not a one-on-one post-breakup cry with the Dalai Lama.)
“Oddly, there are no preserves, strawberry or otherwise, to be bought. Those can only be felt.
In your heart.
Of all of us.
Blake, you are very pretty and your hair is almost as nice as Duchess Kate’s. Your husband is also very pretty and you guys seem nice and happy. So let’s say we just pretend this little site never happened and call it a day. While you take it down, I’ll be over at GOOP.