This week’s Real Housewives of New York City fashion recap is coming to you a few days late. This is because Bravo inexplicably started making viewers pay for new episodes online or enter their “cable provider credentials,” which naturally I do not know. (I even engaged in an IM chat with a Comcast customer service representative to figure out my login password! This is what I do for you!) But I say better late than never, so let’s dig in!
And We're Off!
We pick up where we left off last week, at Legz’s housewarming party, where Legz is tucked upstairs in some weird little room fighting with Carole about ghostwriters. Can we just all take in for a moment how long Legz's legs are, real and fake?
I'll Take One of Those.
It's sort of blurry—Carole was gesticulating wildly—but look at her awesome full-finger ring. It's like a weapon.
Legz and Carole
A refresher: Carole is wearing amazing knee-high gladiator heels. Legz’s pants are a lovely color but they give her a nasty case of El Camel-toe.
Hair Drinking Game
Ooh, Carole’s hair is very pretty in this round of confessionals. Maybe she started using a volumizer like I recommended last week. Let's make this our drinking game—and, weee, it's Friday so we can drink now without feeling too guilty!
I must somehow be getting through to the Housewives through the television or something, because last week I specifically noted that I wished Kristen's black number was a jumpsuit, and this week we can see that it is! I love it.
Hey there, Ramona. We’ve seen that dress before, no? Cap sleeves, knee-length. But I think she forgot to zip it up all the way. It's okay; we've all been there.
Heather looks like she should be in a commercial for fabric softener.
Well, this is an interesting twist: Carole in a headband. It’s very Lupita Nyong'o at the Oscars. I don’t hate it, because I don’t hate anything Carole does. This is because Carole and I are friends in my mind. Team Carole forever.
Sonja! You ray of crazy sunshine. Let's look a bit closer at what you've got on.
Sonja is giving us Audrey Hepburn. I love her big cat-eye sunglasses, and the way she swans in with a dog (poodle?) in her arms. From now on I will only enter rooms wearing sunglasses and holding a poodle. I think it adds drama.
Sonja's new intern is wearing a very cute shirt, and she has very pretty hair. This poor child. What is she doing working here? RUN. RUN WITH AWAY WITH YOUR CUTE SHIRT.
Intern Wearing Cute Shirt
Here's a better look at pretty intern's cute shirt. The sheer black one with the crosses, not the plaid button-up. Speaking of button-ups...
Legz is shooting the cover of her book. Her hair and makeup looks fantastic. (Drink.) Naturally she is wearing a button-up with elbow-length sleeves. I am so bored by her closet I could cry.
Kristen of the Necklaces
Kristen officially has the best necklaces of the show. There’s the lightning bolt necklace I love, and now this chunky one. Ramona Dumb Jewelry Singer, take notes.
Here is another example of Kristen's stellar necklace collection. I believe she wore this one in the previous photo, but with a chunky silver chain layered on top. Also, I just wanted an excuse to post this photo.
Ramona’s daughter, Avery, is getting ready for something. A prom? Yes, it’s a prom. Avery is going for smoked-out eyes. Really smoked-out eyes. My mother would call them cigarette-burn eyes. Gross.
OMG, Ramona flashback! I didn't even remember her with long hair. This must have been back in Jill Zarin times. I've got to hand it to her, Ramona has aged well, as least in hi-def TV terms. Maybe it's the pinot?
Avery's Prom Dress
Avery is wearing a high-low prom dress. I hate it. But I give her credit for wearing a bold color, and for not going all shiny satin, a la mom.
Ramona is crying over the fact that her daughter is going to the prom. I don’t remember my mom crying at my prom. Maybe my mom loves me less than Ramona loves Avery?
Or maybe Ramona is just nuts.
I am so happy I don't have to go to proms anymore. These dresses are hideous.
Kristen is training for a Spartan race, which makes me feel extra bad because I am currently typing with one hand and eating a sandwich with the other. Next.
Carole is throwing a baby shower for her non-Housewife friend. Sonja wears a ballet costume to this. It's like a watered-down version of the pink tutu Carrie wears in the Sex & the City intro. But before we come down too hard on Sonja Crazypants, let's first look at ....
THIS! How amazing does Sonja look with this sassy crop? I actually sent this picture to my friend with the subject line: GET THIS HAIRCUT NOW.
Sonja and Sonja
See? Look at this side-by-side comparison. So much better. I also adore what Sonja is wearing on the left, even though I can't see the whole thing.
Ramona at Da Club
Ramona apparently read the invitation wrong. She dressed for a bachelorette party at an Atlantic City nightclub, not a baby shower. How embarrassing! Rule #1: Do not wear a satin halter-top to a baby shower, or ever.
When Ramona dips outside of her 'slightly sexy yet professional cap-sleeve dress' box she really goes for it. Check the shoes! I think, though, that she should give these to Carole, because Carole will not waste them on a stupid lilac satin halter.
I mean, really. This is what every single sorority girl is wearing out tonight.
This Poor Child
Seriously, what is this kid wearing? It's like half of a bad cowboy costume. And why is his shirt unbuttoned so low? No wonder he looks so terribly distraught.
I have a thing for braids, so I'm digging Heather's hair. Also Carole is one millimeter away from a nip slip. Harness your girls, Carole.
Kristen at the Spartan Race
Time for the Spartan race! This is actually giving me agita just looking at it. I love Kristen’s cute little arm warmers! I want a pair of them to wear around.
Heather Scares Me
Kristen and her husband and doing the Spartan race with Heather and her husband. This is how Heather warms up, and it is terrifying.
Good Race Hair
Even though (spoiler!) Kristen did not win the race, she wins Best Race Day Hair in my book. Look at that volume!
THERE IS BARBED WIRE ARE YOU KIDDING ME.
This is What Hell Looks Like
AND FIRE. Is this a joke? Let’s move on from this and tally up our drinks.
Heather, I am sorry for every snarky thing I've written about you and for every time I called you Jenny From The Block. You could kick my ass.
Total number of good hair moments: 5.
Missed last week? See the fashion recap of episode 2 right here.
Want even more? Check out the fashion recap of the season premiere here.