I’m a self-professed Real Housewives freak. I’ll watch every single episode, every single season, every single city, even Atlanta. (Okay, I don’t watch Miami. No one watches Miami.) It never gets old. The fighting, the one-liner intros, the digs, and the cray-cray fashion. The Real Housewives of New York kicked off its sixth season last night, and it started in fabulous fashion. So let’s recap all the looks from the episode, shall we? It will be fun. There will be sequins! And fake legs! So let’s get started with the most important outfit of the season, as it’s shown a million times and will live forever in infamy: the intro outfit. Let’s do this! (A quick note: You might want to view these in full-screen mode to see the crazy in full effect.)
Real Housewives of New York Fashion Recap
We start with Carole, who is obviously the greatest Housewife ever to exist. Black shirt, black pants. Perhaps a bit blah, but not offensive. If you have to pick an outfit to be shown in over and over and over again until the end of time, might as well make it as inoffensive as possible, right? 5 points.
Next we have Aviva, whom I’ll call Legz from here on out, because she has a fake one and also because she is so crazy she needs a ‘Z’ at the end of her name. Meh. It’s a resounding fine, and for the intro you need to do better than fine. But it fits, and her hair looks nice. 3 1/2 points.
On to Heather, also known as the founder of Yummi Tummie (which is basically Spanx). Yummi is wearing a dress that looks like it came off the clearance rack at Bebe. 2 points.
The New One
Welcome, Kristen! I hope you are as much fun as the Countess. Kristen is about eight feet tall, very pretty, and her dress desperately needs to be hemmed. But she gets points for wearing color. 3 points.
RAMONA. RAMONA. RAMONA. WTF. She is wearing a purple-blue satin (SATIN) strapless dress with weird pleats. No. I cannot look at this all season, every single time Bravo introduces her scenes. I can’t. I might have to stop watching this season right no…
Oh! Hi! Sonja! I missed you, crazy-pants! Let’s see what you’ve got on … hm It feels a little junior prom to me. Sonja can do better than this. I want her to swan around in a spangled caftan all the time. Can someone make this happen? 2 points.
SCENE ONE. Buckle Your Seatbelts
Yay! Carole! Wearing a Dr. Pepper tank top! Love it. And for her author photo (she’s a writer, if you didn’t know) she is wearing a pair of ripped jeans, Chucks, and an amazing wine-colored moto jacket. Of course she is. I want to be as cool as Carole. For my author photo, I’d probably wear fur and sequins and maybe a feather boa. This is because I am not as cool as Carole.
Meanwhile, Yummi is trying to play stylist to cool Carole and she’s wearing a brown sack. Next.
Crazy Eyes in a Coat
Ramona’s first scene and she’s wearing …. a chartreuse coat. I’m confused. Isn’t this supposed to be summertime?
Ramona is also wearing dumb jewelry. This is the sort of jewelry that makes me angry, sort of like Pandora and Brighton. I see a Pandora ad and I immediately become engulfed with rage. It’s a problem. I wonder if that necklace is from her jewelry line? Probably. Let's move on, because I'm getting angry.
The One-Shoulders Begin
Okay, Sonja’s first confessional-like interview, and it looks like she’s wearing—a spangled sari? Are we still doing one-shoulder dresses? I do like the color on her, though.
Ramona’s first interview and she’s in satin. She’s in perma-prom mode here.
Yummi Once Knew Puff Daddy
Yummi’s birthday party! (Note: Yummi threw this party for herself, because why not.) She keeps reminding us that she used to work for Bad Boy, and there are a lot of “industry peeps” at the party (yes, she said ‘peeps’). Exhibit A.
Yummi From The Block
Yummi seems to be going for a J.Lo circa ‘Jenny from the Block’ vibe. Too bad she is wearing a bathrobe. And her Yummi Tummie slip is showing. Not good. Meanwhile, Carole's pants are fantastic.
Sonja and Ramona arrive to Yummi’s party. Sonja is wearing another one-shoulder. The official one-shoulder dress countdown is on. We’re up to two. (Maybe this should be a RHNY drinking game?) Also, RAMONA. This dress is almost as bad as her stupid intro dress. Legs, boobs, sequins. Pick on, Ramona, and leave the rest at home. (In your case, this means sequins, because you cannot leave your leg at home because, well, you are not Legz.)
Who is this blondie in the LB(navy?)D? Oh, it’s Kristen! Well, hello. She’s gorgeous, maybe even pretty enough that I might let it slide that her boy’s name is Cash and her daughter’s name is Kingsley. Here we also see Carole's cool pants, which actually might be spattered with sequins? Nice work, Carole. Take sequin notes, Crazy Eyes.
Kristen Brings Sexy Back
I was about to say that Kristen’s dress could use a necklace and then I saw the open back! I love this. Good start, Kristen.
Here comes Legz (everyone seems to hate her this season). She’s in a dumb scalloped lace shirt that looks like it came from a sale bin at Express. I also hate the sleeve length. Short-sleeved or long-sleeved: MAKE UP YOUR MIND.
Well, At Least Legz Had Sleeves
Another one-shoulder sighting. This makes it three. Drink.
WHOA TURQUOISE NECKLACE. Now we’re talking, Sonja.
Back to Yummi’s party. Someone find me Carole’s cuff now. I need it.
Moving on from the party ... Kristen goes on a date with her husband and she wears a pretty maxi dress. Ooh! There are pleats in the skirt. I like this.
Now Sonja throws a tea party. Ramona comes wearing another tight black dress with weird puffed sleeves, and a pearl set (necklace, earrings, bracelet). Note: You should never wear a set of three matching pieces. Ramona looks like she’s getting her high school senior portrait taken. All she needs is a rose and a bad French manicure. That other lady is her friend Leesa (yes, Leesa) who is wearing a cute spring dress, which might be just a tad twee. Either way, these two look like they are going to very different parties.
Kristen arrives in an all-nude outfit—nude dress, nude necklace, nude Chanel bag. Props to Kristen for not being orange, though! On any one of the spray-tanned O.C. housewives, this would look cheesy, but on her, it actually works. Also, someone please answer the door and let this poor girl in. SONJA! WHERE ARE YOUR INTERNS?
Kristen’s ring makes her entire outfit. Someone go find this for me—after Carole’s cuff.
And here’s Sonja, wearing a teensy floral dress that is actually sort of adorable. Age-appropriate? Probably not, but age doesn’t matter to Sonja.
Who Are You?
This person is called Robin, and she is described as a “pastor and Sonja’s friend.” She is annoying and her hat is dumb. Go away. You are not Pharrell.
Ramona of the Crazy Eyes goes to dinner with Legz. She actually looks sort of normal here. I can’t believe she’s wearing jeans!
Naturally, she strips off her sweater as soon as the shots come. Turns out that shirt is actually a Yummi Tummie camisole. Better luck next time, Crazy Eyes. And that’s it’s for now. Total one-shoulder count: 3.
Tune in next week for more!