I didn’t realize that the Miss Universe pageant was on Saturday night until I heard the yells from the other room. Specifically, the yell of a tiny, innocent, four-year-old boy, coming from the living room: “I like Ms. Hungary! Long and lean!” My husband and I were at our friends’ house, and while we girls were in the kitchen talking, the boys—two grown men and a child—had somehow discovered the pageant on TV. From there, it was a downward spiral.
I watched, even though I didn’t want to. But it was like a car accident— I couldn’t pull my eyes away—only the car was covered in sparkles and glitter and feathers and about eight tons of makeup. The teeth were neon, glow-in-the-dark white. The hair didn’t move. The bodies—well, the bodies were incredible, and I kept thinking: What a shame it is that these girls have such amazing bodies and such pretty faces and wear such complete and utter crap.
Don’t believe me? Well, lucky for you, dear readers, I’ve got a handy roundup of some of the best, worst, and downright terrifying outfits that went down in Moscow on Saturday. I’ll warn you, though, it’s not always pretty. And sometimes, as is the case with poor, misguided Miss USA, it involves Transformers. (Note: The four-year-old loved that one.)
And here we have Miss USA in her outfit for “national costume.” Because when you think of America, you think of Transformer robots, right? Right.
This was Miss Mexico. Restrained elegance, I think.
Okay, I kind of love Miss Great Britain‘s cloak. But those shoes look garish against the white knee-socks. Come on, GB. Has Kate Middleton taught you nothing?
So Miss Universe is basically slutty Halloween. (This is Miss Nicaragua, who makes the fatal mistake of letting the outfit wear you.)
I don’t understand Miss Malaysia‘s headwear choice, but I could get on board with it, even though it reminds me of this.
I am loving Miss Ukraine and Miss Russia. Give me a flower crown and massive beaded collar over a feather headdress any day.
Miss Brazil rocked it in the shoe department, but this was overshadowed by the crazy mural-tent-thing she rolled out. WTF.
On to tamer—but still horrifically unflattering—looks, here is Miss Argentina wearing a lacy jumpsuit that looks like it’s from the Kohl’s lingerie department.
Miss Great Britain follows up sexy King Henry VIII with red-carpet Zoë Saldana.
Miss Germany looks like a sad mother-of-the-bride.
But underneath it all, they actually do know how to dress like normal human beings. Check out Miss Indonesia at a rehearsal. She looks absolutely chic. Still doesn’t take away the fact that she wore this in front of millions of people.