The Myth About Wedding-Night Sex

The Myth About Wedding-Night Sex

Lillian Rose

It’s all a part of the fairy-tale wedding dream: Girl meets boy, boy proposes to girl, girl and boy get married on the perfect day, with the perfect wedding, and that night they have perfect, magical, life-altering husband-and-wife sex before riding off into the sunset and living happily ever after.

Except that’s not what really happens—well, at least not the sex part. Because the thing is, you’re tired. Really tired. And maybe his groomsmen handed him one too many shots, and you have a headache from your updo, and you’ve both been awake for 18 hours straight, talking and crying and dancing and laughing, and everyone you know, including your grandparents, is sleeping on your hotel floor, right next door.

Point is, before the two of you close the door behind you at the end of your Big Day, we wanted you to know: If this particular aspect of your fairy tale is less than, well, magical, you’re not alone. Here, some Philly brides spill their stories on this little myth—and how it actually tends to go (or not go) down.

He tried to make a move when we got back to the hotel room, and I was like, “Dude, you have got to be kidding me.”

We did, but it took him about 25 minutes to get all the bobby pins out of my hair, and it really kind of killed the mood.

I was just like, “Nope, not happening. You are too drunk, this is going to take too long.”

I mean, we did, but it was totally perfunctory. Then I projectile-vomited the next night.

We got married in my in-laws’ backyard, and sleeping in your husband’s childhood bedroom (with his parents one room away) just isn’t conducive to a sexy-lingerie-filled wedding night. I was happy enough to get out of my heels.

It took 100 hours to unbutton the dress, unhook the special bra, and remove millions of bobby pins. By then the moment had passed, and it was more or less wham-bam- thank-you-ma’am.

All I can say is it’s a good thing our suite had two bathrooms, because I was in one and he was in the other all night. … Still convinced we were poisoned, and that one day we’ll find out the culprit!

We went condom-free since we were officially husband and wife, and I broke out into hives—it was instantaneous. My doctor confirmed after the honeymoon that I am, in fact, allergic to my husband’s sperm.

Three words: I fell asleep.

Got your own funny wedding-night sex story? C’mon and share with the class.

This article originally appeared in the spring/summer 2013 issue of Philadelphia Wedding.

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  • barry_nic

    That Zone coverage was really working wasn’t it?

    • xlGmanlx

      They gave up 16 to a 2x SB winning QB. It wasn’t exactly getting torched either. Sometimes you have to mix man and zone to keep the QB guessing, but the offensive players get paid too. Turn overs will kill you, Vick and MM aren’t going to rewrite that chapter in football 101.

  • Bedetermine

    Did they win the game? Based on all this talking and who got the best at who, you would think that Eagles won the damn game. This is sickening. Although there were turnovers early, Vick and that offense put us in a position to win. The defense couldn’t stop that last drive after Pittsburg repeatedly shot themselves in the damn foot. I’m Pissed!

    • Bedetermine

      And all these turnovers by the offense needs to stop already. I do not know what the heck is up with Vick and the pigskin. Come on men!!

    • defore81@gmail.com

      please the put us in a postion to win by putting up 14 points? really? lol only reason the score was so close and we were in a position to win was cuz our D held them to 13 points prior to the field goal… wow amazing lol

      • Bedetermine

        This is the NFL buddy. Most of year games are going to be close and competitive. When you score 14 points against Pitt with the opportunity to close out, it’s a win. Regardless of how much points you think is too much or too little. So you give credit to out D and none to our Offense when they played against what most considered the better defense in the leagues year in and out. 3rd and Long in their own territory? No registered sacks? None!!! Wow Amazing! Lol

  • Cyrus Robinson

    Yes the Eagles’ D didn’t stop the final drive, but the problem is not the defense. Holding the highest rated QB in the NFL to just one TD is not something to scoff at. If Vick wasn’t a turnover machine, the Eagles win. If Vick doesn’t fumble at the 5 and the Eagles score a FG, Eagles win. McCoy keeps us in games, Vick takes us out of them. I am looking forward to the Foles era. Not only would Foles most likely hang on to the ball better (like all other QBs in the NFL have so far), the Eagles would also start to game plan in a smarter, more efficient way as demonstrated by how any time a starter has gone down in the past, the back up has played well. More balanced play calling, more quick throws, normal football. I’m just ready for change on offense. This offense is too talented to have difficulty cracking 20 points every week. The problem is Vick.

    • Cyrus Robinson

      Vick is passing pretty well right now, but he’s the opposite of bend but don’t break. He puts up tons of yards and nice numbers at times, but then he puts the ball on the ground.

      • ohitsdom

        I completely disagree. If “bend but don’t break” essentially means not playing well but coming through in the clutch, then that’s exactly what Vick has done. Hasn’t played great throughout the games, but has been solid during game-on-the-line drives.

    • birdpoop

      Vick has problems, yes, but the right offense game plan wouldn’t have Vick looking this bad. The Marty/Andy offensive game plan… is truly offensive in the worst meaning of that word. McCoy has saved their butts over and over again.

      • BostonianEagle

        I find Philly fans frustrating. They’re always looking to find ways to trash their QB or coaches, using whatever excuses they can find. Why are you guys fans? Do you not know what supporting your team means?

        • ohitsdom

          Supporting your team does not mean blindly supporting your coaches or players when they make bad decisions.

        • defroe81@gmail.com

          just because i support my team doesnt mean i have to support dumb play calling and aweful qb play when it comes to taking care of the ball. i root for my eagles not for the players. players come and go and i still root for my team doesnt matter who the qb is but if the qb’s play is what made us lose im not going to make excuses for him nor will i for the coaching staff. it looks to me though that they have taken some pressure off vick he just cant hold on to the ball now instead of throwing int…

        • fran35

          Does being a fan mean that you blindly support a QB who has 6 lost fumbles this year, as well as 6 interceptions or criticizing the game plans that put the ball in his hands way more than it should be? This is not Brady or the Mannings we are talking about. As far as QB trust levels go, my trust level with Vick is about where it would be with Rex Grossman.