Jimmy Fallon Isn’t Funny

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Back in the ’90s, I lived in an apartment off Sunset Boulevard, where I had quite the assortment of neighbors, including Ellen “Grandma Walton” Corby, Lemmy Kilmister from Motörhead, and a struggling actor named Oscar Nuñez. Oscar was a performer at the Groundlings sketch comedy school, and I’d go see him perform.

I remember one show in particular in which each performer got five minutes to do a character of their own creation, and after watching one excruciatingly annoying character named “The Masshole,” I wanted to walk out. But I stayed to support Oscar.

The Masshole bit was just five minutes of a guy doing a bad Boston accent. No jokes. Just an accent, like “My brudda pahked his cahr in the yahd not fahr from Havaaad Yahd. It’s a wicked Camaraaa…” I remember thinking at the end of the gig, “Don’t quit your day job, kid.”

That kid was Jimmy Fallon.

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John Legend to Speak at Penn Commencement…Again

The University of Pennsylvania’s 2014 commencement speaker is…both more and less exciting than last year’s honoree, VP Joe Biden. More, because Grammy Award-winner John Legend is not an old white guy. But less because a., he’s not as prone to saying inappropriate stuff and b., he already spoke at Penn commencement! Five years ago!

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A Former Valentine’s Day Snob Recants

I always hated Valentine’s Day and thought it was stupid. For eight-plus years, until the spring-ish of 2013, I was in a committed relationship, living with my partner and our pets, doing the things that couples do, including deriding Valentine’s Day because we were supercilious New Yorker readers who didn’t have time for invented commercial holidays that took advantage of American naiveté and willingness to spend $75 on a bouquet of roses that would die within a week. (I don’t know shit about keeping roses.) Were we insufferable about Valentine’s Day? Maybe so.

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Five Observations About Trying to Find a Date on the Internet in 2014

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When I was in my 20s, and stinging after a break-up, I would sometimes place a personal ad on Craigslist. I did so half seriously, half on a lark — I know a couple who met on Craigslist and who are now happily married with two children. So why not?

The answers were often entertaining, and sometimes random: once an ex-boyfriend replied (no, you’re really not a nice guy). And I actually met two men there: One was a former Navy Seal who occupied my time for a summer; the other was an environmentalist who showed up in a pleather duster and talked in a way that made me consider shimmying out of the bar’s bathroom window.

I find myself on the single side of things again, and even though I’ve vowed to not date until April, I placed an ad in Philadelphia and South Jersey anyway, just to see what would come of it.

In two weeks, I got about 60 responses (some of them were doubles, obviously guys sending the same response to anyone who posted). I noticed five things in those 60 replies. What I’ve quoted here has not been altered, except to redact the names of the not necessarily innocent.

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