Four Tips for Philadelphians Traveling Abroad During the “Trump Spring”

Donald Eres un Pendejo, sidewalk stencil, Sunset Junction, Los Angeles, California, USA. Photo | Cory Doctorow via Creative Commons.

At this point, when Donald Trump’s face appears on a screen, I tend to feel nothing.

Sometimes it’s the “Been there, done that” variety of nothing, an unavoidable side effect of a 24-hour election news cycle. Other times, it’s the crushingly cold, “I’m so dead inside” brand of nothing that happens when Donald Trump makes a serious run for the White House. Once, it was almost a peaceful nothing, the kind that sets in right before you walk down the tunnel toward the light.

Either way: sweet, sweet nothing.

Unless, of course, I’m in Mexico when Trump makes his appearance. In that case, I panic a bit.

Although it crossed my mind when I booked the trip, by the time I stepped off the plane at Cancun International last week, I had largely forgotten that the GOP’s frontrunner was threatening to build a 55-foot wall across the border to keep out the “rapists” and “killers.” In fact, I had forgotten Trump existed. Tulum, God bless it, has a way of doing that.

But no, there he was, staring at me from a TV that, just seconds before, had been showing a basketball game.

What do you do when you’re sitting in a Mexican sports bar and Donald Trump blows up your spot? If you’re voting for him, well, the answer is easy: Head to the nearest airport and get back on your side of the imaginary line in the sand.

If you’d rather stay and hang out with your new friends? If you aren’t done swapping dog photos with the woman next to you and might take the bartender up on his dinner invite? I found this works:

Ask yourself, “Can I pass as Canadian?”
Personally, the answer is no. Not even a little bit. I have big fake American hair and a big fake American tan that rivals The Donald’s. Resting bitch face? I have resting Northeast Philly bitch face. (Squint one eye a little bit and imagine the taste of a Marlboro Menthol. There you go.)

Ask yourself, “Can I live with myself if I pass as Canadian?”
That’s what I thought. Let’s move on.

Mention that you’re from Philadelphia
True, you still might have to explain a bunch of bigoted, power-hungry megalomaniacs, but at least the characters of It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia aren’t in danger of becoming president. What you shouldn’t mention: That Sweet Dee is funny because Sweet Dee is true, and that Dennis could easily land a seat on City Council.

Buy a round of shots
It doesn’t matter if you do shots, or even if you drink. I go with diet soda these days, but it’s been a long time since “I’d like to buy the world a Coke” cut it. Hell, a round of Coronas barely begins to make up for The Big Bang Theory. Donald Trump is a racist, xenophobic, misogynistic presidential candidate who’s winning primaries while retweeting Scott Baio. This requires buying the world a round of shots — off the top shelf.

Until next time, Mexico. In the meantime, if you want to build your own wall, I completely understand.

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