Which Shark Week Star Is Your Favorite Jersey Shore Point’s Spirit Shark?

We imagine where these Shark Week villains would hang if they hung out down the Shore.

Shark Week is upon us, friends.

The Discovery Channel’s annual celebration of scary fish and worse puns kicked off Sunday, and it looks to be another banner year. Maybe not quite as good as 2014 now that the network has promised more science and less Megalodon, but still — pretty damn good. (People whining about the factual accuracy of Shark Week: Why do you hate America? It’s the freedom, isn’t it? May your boardwalks be paved with splinters.)

This year’s marquee villains include ninja sharks, alien sharks, serial killer sharks and — we owe you one, Jesus — “The Bride of Jaws.” Most of these bad boys are trolling the waters of Florida, Australia and South Africa, but just in case they ever decided to drop by the Jersey Shore, we wanted to figure out where they would feel most at home.

Why would anyone waste their time doing such a thing? Because Shark Week. If you start bringing logic and good taste into this, you’ll ruin Shark Week. Stop that right now.

What: “Alien sharks,” which glow in the dark and reside “deep beneath the earth’s surface” (aka the ocean?)
Where They’d Hang: Wildwood
There’s only one place glow-in-the dark aliens could go about their business at the Jersey Shore, and that’s the Wildwood boardwalk. They have bioluminescent fangs, yes, but the girl running the Tilt-A-Whirl has a Care Bear face tattoo and the waterpark serves whiskey. Just stay out of the Crest, guys – the Crest has a bad combination of standards and guns.

What: “The Great White Serial Killer,” a nippy guy native to Surf Beach, California
Where He’d Hang: Strathmere
No offense to Strathmere, but the only reason to go to this shore-between-shores is to dump a body. Or seven. Trust no one who has to “stop for gas” in Strathmere on the way home from Wildwood.

What: “Bride Of Jaws,” an 18-foot, 3,000-pound Great White
Where She’d Hang: Cape May
Because where else would a scary white lady vacation? The Bride of Jaws — also known as Joan of Shark (!) — would have plenty of company in good old Cape May. Congress Hall, hope you stocked up on shrimp scampi, pinot grigio and backhanded compliments.

What: “Ninja sharks,” six breeds of “stealthy assassin” sharks
Where They’d Hang: Ocean City
In reality, I suspect a shark couldn’t get within five miles of Ocean City’s squeaky clean coast. You can barely rent a bike in America’s Greatest Family Resort without reciting the Girl Scout Promise. But if there’s one place — one magical, wonderful place — where ninjas and sharks could come together and form a more perfect union of awesomeness, I’d like to think it’s Ocean City.

What: The “Sharks of Shadowland,” a pack of sevengill sharks targeting government divers in New Zealand
Where They’d Hang: Brigantine
Atlantic City is the more logical choice for an organized shark crime conspiracy, yes. But there’s something not quite right about the little town next door. Brigantine is affordable, quiet and quaint. The beach is clean and the traffic is nonexistent. The parking is free and abundant. If there’s anything out of place at the Jersey Shore, it’s Brigantine.

Swim safe, guys. And in the immortal words of Tracy Jordan, “Live every week like it’s Shark Week.”

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