What Your Favorite Philly Weather Forecaster Says About You
In this town, there’s no shortage of meteorologists to turn to when you want to spend hours listening to hyped-up, laughably inaccurate forecasts while sending burnt offerings to the Snow Day Gods.
As this morning’s dusting proved, there’s no way you select your go-to forecaster based on accuracy. And yet, we all have a favorite, that one familiar face that we look to winter after winter when we’re low on personal days and high on misplaced hope.
So what does your favorite Philly forecaster say about you? We took some cues from the pros and glanced at a few charts, ran random numbers and consulted a leaky Magic 8 Ball to bring you this extremely unscientific analysis that will be of absolutely no help. We’ve also crunched the data to determine how you’d most likely save your parking spot. Be sure to check back throughout the day for non-updates, speculation and backpedaling.
Your forecaster: Cecily Tynan
Despite a torn ACL, Cecily dutifully hopped through yesterday’s Snowmaggedon coverage with a sunny smile that said, “I’m here for you, loyal viewers — and I will impale Adam Joseph with these crutches if that’s what it takes to prove it. No, seriously, I will, just say the word.” Team Tynan, you are a tough batch of cookies.
Your #savesies weapon of choice: A seemingly benign recycling bin that could have accidentally tumbled into your shoveled parking spot. Except that it totally didn’t.
Your forecaster: Sheena Parveen
I don’t know Sheena Parveen, but I’d bet my nonexistent ice scraper that she carries antibacterial hand gel, a Tide To Go pen and Larabars in her purse. Type A’s, Sheena and her forever-bouncy hair exude the no-questions-asked, polished credibility you need.
Your #savesies weapon of choice: N/A. Sheena and her devotees clearly park in a lot. A heated lot. With complimentary coconut water. Get on their level.
Your forecasters: Sue Serio and Bill Henley
You people aren’t actually looking for a weather forecast. You just want someone, anyone, in this city to be nice to you, and Sue and Bill seem like your best chance this morning. We’ve all been there.
Your #savesies weapon of choice: Your broken umbrella and just-as-broken spirit. Not even Philadelphia will try to take something else from you today.
Your forecaster: KYW Newsradio
You don’t need any fancy AccuForceAlertRadar — just a static-laced update about what’s on the ground. You old-school rebels are the Ron Swansons of Philadelphia, and we salute you.
Your #savesies weapon of choice: Your bare hands, whether it’s to defend your spot’s honor or to dig out a new one, honey-badger style.
Your forecaster: Glenn “Hurricane” Schwartz
Yes, it’s true, grumpy nerds. Someday, you, too, can pick out a menacing middle name and terrorize the city from behind your bow tie.
Your #savesies weapon of choice: An official looking traffic cone. The smuggest of them all.
Your forecaster: John Bolaris
You beautiful weirdos are what makes this city tick. Never change, Bolaris and friends. Never, ever change.
Your #savesies weapon of choice: A traffic cone with a broom inserted through the top. Wildcard, bitches!
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