I have been going down the shore, Ocean City to be exact, since before I can remember. On the beach, an instant community is formed of all types — including outcasts. The outcasts are the ones who engage in some perverse, imposing and inconsiderate activity that breaks the serenity of the day for everyone else. I call these selfish bastards the “beach idiots” — blunt, not very clever, but appropriate.
A day at the beach should be void of confrontation and the stress it brings, so most tag-wearing, well mannered folk put up with the beach idiots without saying a word, knowing their annoying behavior can usually only last so long.
As a public service, I am here to call out the beach idiots in the desperate hope that they will see the error of their obnoxious ways.
1. The Seagull Whisperers
They stand in self-amazement as if they have a supernatural power over the flock of seagulls that hover at their command. Drop the French fries, Doctor Doolittle, and watch your powers evaporate. If your beach suddenly turns into a scene from a Hitchcock movie, it’s because one of these beach idiots finds the flying rats cute as they create a gooey hailstorm for their neighbors.
2. The Sand People
It’s as if they delight in a windy day when they can get up and wave their towels and blankets. You can follow the sandstorm they’ve created by watching the poor, unsuspecting beach dwellers one by one rub their eyes and jump from their chairs.
3. The Hillary Clintons
These parents believe it takes a beach village to watch their children. You and I may see a crowded beach — these idiots see free babysitters. They bring their kids to the beach and then they fall asleep, walk the boardwalk, and seemingly do everything else but watch their kids.
4. The Ankle Busters
Speaking of kids, it’s great that they dig holes for no reason. It keeps them occupied. But those holes turn unto booby traps for runners and couples strolling the beach at sunset. It’s simple. If your kid digs a hole, fill it up before you leave.
5. The Beach DJs
God and Steve Jobs created ear buds for a reason. Use them. Why do the people who feel the need to share their music library with the world have the worst musical taste? Neither I nor my kids —, nor humanity for that matter —need to hear Waka Flocka Flame.
6. The Blind Body Surfers
They put their hands out in front of them, put their heads down, close their eyes, and ride the waves, turning themselves into human torpedoes. Watch as women and children fall like bowling pins as the blind body surfer speeds toward the beach.
7. The Muskrat Trappers
Now, I don’t usually complain about skimpy bathing suits or bad bodies at the beach. Part of the charm of the Jersey Shore is that the out-of-shape and unattractive fit in. Let’s put it this way, this ain’t South Beach. However, I do think the men, mostly European, who wear marble sacks for bathing suits must groom a little more. It looks like they’ve trapped a muskrat between their legs with the wiry hair sticking out in all directions. I know I don’t have to look, but once you’ve seen it, you can’t un-see it.
8. The Sand Jocks
Football, Wiffle ball and Frisbee are fine, if you can find a place where you aren’t within 50 feet of anyone else. The Sand Jocks are into their games with little regard for the rest of humanity. It’s as if everyone else on the beach paid tickets to see them play and should be happy when a foul ball or a long pass hits them in the face.
9. The Space Invaders
You get to the beach early, find a great spot and set up camp. Someone then comes along much later and decides the five feet between your family and the neighboring family is plenty of room for their crib, umbrella, three chairs and four kids. And what joy, they brought music, fries to feed the seagulls, and daddy trapped a muskrat.
10. The Shin Boarders
When are they going to outlaw those Skim Boards that turn adolescents into accidental beach terrorists? They throw these boards down and jump on, skimming across the area where the ocean water is the thinnest. You know, the same area where dozens of people like to stand, talk and watch their kids. Every three or four “skims,” the rider loses control of his Skim Board, which becomes a shin-seeking missile, or a Shin Board. There is nothing better on a beautiful beach day than someone projecting a plank of wood at the boniest area of your leg.
These are my 10, but there are many more. Please feel free to add to the list in the comment section.
Here’s an idea. Instead of charging for beach tags, start fining inconsiderate behavior on the beach. It will more than make up for the lost revenue.
Or if you insist on tagging, how about an Animal Planet like tagging of the different species of beach idiots so we can track them and see them coming before they ruin our day.
Follow @LarryMendte on Twitter.