’Murrican as Apple Pie

You’ll find about a million of these on the Internet. Internet, please shut up.

’Merica. ’Murrica. ’Mericuh.

Our most recent Independence Day weekend brought them out, in intentionally butchered droves — cheekily edited versions of our great country’s name, accompanied by photos of eagles, flags or domestic beer cans with eagles and flags on them. I’m not sure when, where or why lopping the lead “A” off “America” and mush-mouthing the rest began, but it’s very clear where this odd act of ass-backwards Insta-patriotism has taken up permanent residence:

The Internet.

To begin, let’s go over the full list of universally acceptable spellings for “America,” line by line:

1. America

Now that we’ve got that out of the way — what makes this move so popular? Uttering any ‘Merica-type variation out loud evokes images of a cartoonish, King of the Hill-type good ol’ boy with a cooler full of tallboys and a lip full of dip, a limiting representation of our citizenry regardless of where you’re from. It seems that the root of the act is mocking unfair American stereotypes by sardonically embracing them, but that approach is a tricky thing, like intentionally bombing a middle-school math quiz to get in good with the cool stupid kids.

We could wring our hands over the deeper meanings of murky stuff for years, but if I’m being honest, it’s more fun to identify the dumbest, most ubiquitous phrases and structures that dominate web chatter and plead for our peers to let them be.

Here are a handful of other irritating Internet clichés I’d love to see burn in hellfire. We’’re all guilty of dropping one, some or all of these, in some capacity, sometime in our social media lives (I’m definitely no exception). But let’s all band together to ease the eff off. If we’re successful, we might just succeed in making the Internet in ‘Merica ‘Murrica ‘Mericuh America a slightly less aggravating place.

“THIS”

Use it in a sentence!  “THIS! RT @yourcousin Angela Merkel is a goddess [hand praising Emoji]”

You like a specific thing that someone said? That is great news, for you and for him/her. Excellent and effortless ways to convey your admiration include retweeting, reblogging, sharing or linking to the original statement. No need to slap a trite all-caps “THIS” on it to make certain we know that you’re sharing something relevant to your beliefs. Same goes for the slightly more youthful and melodramatic “this is everything” declaration. Nothing is “everything.” Exception: Beyoncé, who, due to her distinct molecular structure, can be called “everything” without violating any scientific theorems.

“Because _____”

Use it in a sentence! “I can’t go out to the bar tonight, because headcold.”

Inexplicably, the American Dialect Society proclaimed “because” its 2013 Word of the Year. “No longer does because have to be followed by of or a full clause,” they wrote, as if this is not a sign of an impending grammatical apocalypse. “Now one often sees tersely worded rationales like ‘because science’ or ‘because reasons.'” It’s a trite spin on baby talk. Stop, because fucking infuriating.

“BOOM”

Use it in a sentence! “Found a quarter on the sidewalk today. BOOM!”

Seeing people punctuate uninteresting declarations they believe to be extremely impactful with bomb-detonating onomatopoeia is the social media version of big-upping your own rap verse, like that old Dave Chappelle skit. I only like it if you say it like Rihanna does in the movie Battleship.

“Sunday Funday”

Use it in a sentence! “Margs with my best girls at Morgan’s Pier! Yasss Bish! #sundayfunday”

Wait…you don’t work on the Sabbath?! That is incredible. Am I right in assuming that you are going to use this opportunity to participate in alcohol-fueled recreational activities? I’m dead-on? This is seriously crazy. Now get out there and let the world know which day of the week you designate for fun!

“Date Night”

Use it in a sentence! “IT’S FINALLY DATE NIGHT [picture of significant other at Romano’s Macaroni Grill]”

Not sure how widely irritating this one is, but it bothers me for some reason. Obviously, there’s nothing wrong with going out on dates with your SO. But must you declare to the world that you are, in fact, in the midst of the evening you two have designated for your cute outing? What are we supposed to be more impressed by, your healthy relationship or your calendar management skills? Am I allowing myself to be irrationally annoyed by this? Do I resent love? Is life meaningless? THANKS FOR THE EXISTENTIAL CRISIS, DATE NIGHT.

“Nom nom nom”

Use it in a sentence! “This ice cream sundae is great nom nom nom nom nom I’m an asshole.”

This is one of those old-school Internet fixtures that I can’t believe is still around. The only being permitted to make nom-nom sounds, either audibly or on the Internet, is Cookie Monster, obviously. The rest of you need to chew with your mouths closed.

“Best. _____. Ever.”

Use it in a sentence! “I had cereal for breakfast. Best. Breakfast. Ever.”

Another OG Internet thing I’m surprised still lives. This. Format. Has. Always. Been. Obnoxious. And we as a species have declared so many things the “best _____ ever” over the years that the declaration has lost what little hyperbolic meaning it had to begin with.

“Sorry not sorry”

Use it in a sentence! “I’m slightly embarrassed about sharing this photo of myself, but I still want everyone to see it. Sorry not sorry.”

Stop being so socially greedy. Either apologize or don’t apologize. Awesome exception: If you take a selfie wearing a traditional Indian sari and you accompany it with “sari not sari.” That is gold.

“All of the feels”

Use it in a sentence! “Just watched Field of Dreams. Feeling all of the feels.”

Shut up.