The Phillie Phanatic Is an Ass

Philly Fighting Words Week continues with a guy who thinks the Phillies’ beloved mascot is kind of a d-bag.

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Sorry to be the one to break this to you, but the Phillie Phanatic is a dick.

I know. You’re very angry right now. You really love the Phanatic. Honestly, I do, too.




But sit with it for a minute: The Phillie Phanatic is a raging, first-class asshole.

I know, it stings. It’s hard when you love someone who’s no good for you. Who triggers all your bad reflexes. Who enables all the dark impulses that keep you from reaching your full potential. Philadelphia, your love affair with the Phanatic is what Lady Gaga calls a bad romance.

After all, what is the Phanatic if not a strutting, gyrating, grotesque-snouted embodiment of the loutish, bullying, I-do-what-I-want reputation Philly sports fans will never, ever shake? He’s the devil whispering in our ear. Our bad instinct. Our throbbing green id with a hair-trigger tongue. And we think he is hil-ar-i-ous.

The rest of the country thinks he’s a hoot, too. What’s sad is that they’re not laughing with us. Where we see his perpetually extended party horn and ever-thrusting “rally pelvis” as an exaggerated, fun-house-mirror version of ourselves, the rest of America sees the petulant, front-twerking creep as our direct proxy.

Recall, if you will, Tommy Lasorda and the Slim-Fast bit. Sure, everyone remembers — fondly — the gag where the Phanatic worked the former Dodgers skipper’s last nerve by running over an effigy of him with his ATV. (Pantomimed vehicular homicide. How rich.) But nobody recalls quite so readily the time that, while Lasorda was a pitchman for Slim-Fast, the Phanatic lined up several cans of the powdered meal supplement atop the visiting Dodgers’ dugout and dramatically smashed each with a field tamper. Fat shaming. For comedy. What is this, Mean Girls? Lord of the Flies?

Any Internet montage of the Phanatic’s “best” bits is littered with sucker punches, goosings, unwanted amorous touches and oh so much crotch-rubbing.

The Phanatic is a terrible driver. He recklessly brandishes a gun. And he’s a superstitious rube who believes in jinxes. If you did most of what the Phanatic does in Citizens Bank Park to strangers on the street, you’d be arrested and placed on a sex-offender registry.

And Philadelphians not only reward this antisocial behavior — we encourage it. Nay, we demand it. We idolize the perpetrator. And then, like a bunch of morons, we wonder why the rest of the country seems to think we’re all jerks, too.

We've got plenty more Philly heresies where that came from in our “Fighting Words” package. See the lineup here, then go buy the July 2014 issue of Philadelphia magazine, on newsstands now, or subscribe today.

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  • kristen

    these self-deprecating philly articles are getting desperate….don’t you have anything worthwhile to write about?

  • Patrick Rapa
  • Renegade

    Still waiting for the article about how Philly needs a high-quality regional magazine with a good online presence…

    • fishlips19106

      Sissy gossip mag

  • liberal hater

    Left wingers getting desperate again. No wonder the turds in the media are hrting after what the SCOTUS did to them over the past 2 weeks. Sinking down to the depth of new lows , attacking the Phanatic now.

  • Cheeky215

    Who are the writers for this magazine anymore..jeeeze.. what do you get people off the street..i’ve seen many an article lately like this that is just someone whinning with a bad sour attitude, asinine silly crap stories.. even the one on Springsteen that was just as stupid as to why some dirt bag writer ..Bruce wasn’t his cup of tea..well i don’t think the boss or anyone is going to cry their eyes out over someone who need a journalism 101 course .like this guy about the Phanatic..like who cares? That’s only your opinion..do you expect the earth to move over your two cents??..there are a vast majority who enjoy him kids most of all.. But i really think Philly Mag is going downhill..i’m glad i haven’t subscribed in years. Even the Best of ..that i usually pick up once a year stinks anymore..it’s more about the the tri state area.or Burbs oriented…not what is the heart of Phlly.. this writer is getting a paycheck for nothing..

  • Davidreggy

    Brian Brian Brian. Relax my friend. I know that you are struggling for readers and that sometimes you have to get desperate. But don’t take it out on the Phanatic! The big green guy has been distracting fans of all ages with the most powerful brand of fun and entertainment that has been created. I am sure, if you are a parent, you find it necessary to explain to your four year old why rolling your belly is obscene and suggestive so that someday they “will get it” and be as narrow minded and misinformed as you are. Go ahead and be a Funkiller if you want but the bottom line is that the Phillie Phanatic represents one of the greatest cities in the nation and will always be loved by the fans that he represents and has their backs. You on the other hand will continue to perpetuate the overblown and stereotyped image of Philly fans being creeps and bullys. I think you need grab a pasta dinner with Tommy and reminisce!

  • Steve Kapschock

    In that case, it seems like the Phanatic himself wrote this “article” then. :P

  • Jennifer Robnett

    HE IS THE TERRY RICHARDSON OF SPORTS’ MASCOTS AND I LOVE HIM, OK!?!?!?!?!??! I LOVE HIMMMMMMMMMMMMMM

  • Doge Collinsworth

    What a hack. You probably enjoyed AfterMASH.

  • Team USA

    Touche, Mr. Howard! Somebody had to finally say it—the Phanatic is stunningly overrated, geez!

    Unfunny, tiresome, predictable, flatly not amusing, over-hyped, the most sued character and unfunny, he’s one guy who should go back into the closet. Several years ago, even the Daily News ran an opinion piece to put the green thing on waivers.

    • -ThePhillyPhanatic

      You must be rooting for Germany in the World Cup also.

  • Sgd1

    Brian you are a fool. If the phanatic ever writes an article saying Brian Howard is an ass I’ll be all in. You are semi fortunate to live in a great city but write for a bad magazine. 1 out of 2 ain’t bad I guess. Learn to relax and get over yourself.