37 Lessons From the Philadelphia Winter That Won’t End

And there’s still a whole month of this infernal winter left!

City Hall snowfall

I know, I know. There’s still a month left in one of the toughest winters ever. I don’t know about you, but this winter’s been pretty good for me so far. Why? Because I’ve learned a lot of new things and I want to share them with you. For example:

1. You can pretty much have your dog poop anywhere you want – it all turns into rock-like pellets that, within minutes, you can just kick it into your neighbor’s yard.




2. Forget about Twitter, WhatsApp and Facebook — some smart kid can make a boatload of money figuring out how to solve the pothole problem.

3. John Bolaris is hands down the best weatherman in the city. And I think he’s figuring out how to turn that into a profitable business for himself, too.

4. Shops down the shore are not the only small businesses killed by a run of bad weather — try running a Lee’s Hoagies near a corporate park when everyone’s hunkered down in their homes.

5. When it's 5 degrees and snowing, even the Phillies can look goodah, forget it.

6. Our schools get a lot tougher about snow days when they start eating into teachers’ vacation days.

7. It's very worth $50 to pay someone to plow your driveway.

8. Even the coldest, snowiest winter ever can be blamed on… global warming, of course!

9. Frank Underwood is deliciously evil. Claire Underwood is just a bitch.

10. A generator is a good thing to have — a neighbor with a generator is a good person to know.

11. It’s truly more productive to work at home than in the office.

12. Long underwear can be a beautiful thing.

14. I tend to be superstitious.

15. Airlines are under-appreciated — despite delays and cancellations caused by freezing rain and thunder snow, they still get their passengers safely to their destinations.

16. Roasting marshmallows over a Duraflame log is probably not very healthy.

17. Thin Mints kept in the freezer are just as yummy even when it's freezing outside.

18. Johnny Weir is the bravest gay man I know — I dare you to behave and look like he does in Russia without getting your ass kicked.

19. People in the city can be total dicks when it comes to their parking spaces.

20. When its cold outside the mice tend to come inside — just ask my wife.

21. Apparently, there’s a gay college football player.

22. Those people still jogging along the Kelly Drive in January are mentally ill — and the bikers are just idiots.

23. Comedians are generally funnier on stage than they are in cars getting coffee.

24. My personal information has likely been exposed 87 times since I purchased those Schweddy Balls online last Christmas so let me just come clean here: I sometimes have sweaty balls, OK?

25. Yes, I can lose my doctor. And my health insurance.

26. You can make a lot of money being a homicide detective — more than the Mayor, actually.

27. And speaking of the Mayor, I’ve learned that wearing a baseball cap is a pretty good look for a bald guy — I shall start doing the same.

28. Facebook can spend $19 billion on a text messaging service and I’m still agonizing over whether to spend $10 on a wireless connection on my flight to Chicago.

29. Those skeevy, hipster skateboard dudes aren’t just stoners – some actually have athletic ability

30. The further away your kids go to college the more the tuition is worth it.

31. It turns out that Iran and Syria can’t be trusted – gee, who knew?

32. If you're going to take a cruise, just make sure that all of the other passengers are healthy before they get on board – apparently some aren’t truthful when asked.

33. My softball team may have a better shot in the Eastern Division than the Phillies.

34. Philadelphia has a basketball team and they’re called the 76ers – just reminding.

35. A full-time worker earning the federal minimum wage makes about $16,000 per year.

36. If you park near 16th and Locust and display your parking ticket on your dashboard that clearly shows an expiration time of 3:26 PM you will still get a parking violation with a time of 3:12 PM on it – I know this for a fact. And I just don’t have the time to fight it.

37. There are not 12 spots available in Garage C at the airport, even though that’s what their system is telling you as you pull in — Trust me.

Pretty impressive, right? And just think what more there is to learn in the month to come.

Follow @GeneMarks on Twitter.

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  • J.W

    Claire Underwood JUST a bitch? You’re not watching House of Cards, aren’t you? She’s the mastermind behind Frank’s plan.

  • gy

    Dumb

  • Bob

    I’m quite concerned about the rising crime wave in beautiful Lower Merion. I moved here because of its quality of life and proximity to nice but naughty philly. It seems the ugliness is beginning to spread here as well. The real estate agent promised me a crime free environment. Oh well…

    • Robert Igweanu-Lieberman-Klein

      Just have your security guard turn the criminals away when they approach your gatehouse. Duhhhhh….